Life While Asleep

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Today is another wasted day in my life. I am lying here on my bed writing this after having just eaten tater tots and a sausage and egg biscuit from Dollar Tree. Or was it Family Dollar? I have really no idea because to get there to purchase food that would be super easy to prepare and that would shut up my cravings for bad food I had to go forth to the store in a Zombie Haze. I went to bed last night about 2am. I had to really just get to sleep, because I knew today I would wake up and have some issues.

I have some sort of sleep problem. I’m not sure what it is yet, but am hoping to find out soon enough. You see, I would love to just go get tested to see what’s happening with me, but it costs a lot of money to get tests and treatment. I’m not going to turn this into a sob story. Here’s what is happening in my life right now. I am having, on my days where I do get enough sleep, this wonderful appreciation of life that is growing upon me. I am coming to the conclusion that much of my life is being wasted (unfairly?) on this sleep deprivation issue and that during the times where I have energy; I need to use my life wisely and to the fullest, embracing every moment and discovering who I am; and what I am here for.

…Which is kind of a scary thought right now because it has literally pulled me away from my job that I had as a leasing agent in Chicago. My thoughts are, I am NOT a sales guy. Sales killed my father, literally. It made him a miserable wreck for years and wore him down and then eventually, 3 days after a major deal he worked on for 2 years fell apart, he had a massive hard attack and died.

I had never seen him like that, the day I came home to see him. He needed to talk to me, he said, and when I saw him he was shaking, and crying. He said he didn’t know what to do. All his fucking dreams of retirement, and finally catching up on his debt and being able to finally settle down, crushed by some corporate fuckface (or group there of) who decided that his work wasn’t good enough, or relevant to their plans or whatever happens in the corporate world.

I should have stayed around and kept watch but I did not. It was getting on Valentines day and I had a girlfriend who was beckoning for my attention. I went to her instead, and when he needed me most – I let him down and he died.

And now here I am, living my life half asleep. Days like today I can accomplish nothing. I just got a call from someone who wanted to schedule a showing on one of my rental properties and I played it off, told him I would get back to him, having no intention of doing so. That sucks too. I have my rent piling up. I am 2 months behind at this point. I quit my last job at a rental company here in Chicago because of creative differences. I fully intended to start working at another company that recruited me, but the problem is, things have sort of went down hill since then and for one reason or another I have had my sleep deprivation kicking up again, reminding me that life is short; and startlingly enough Killing off my drive to work in Real Estate.

I feel like there is some other reason I am here. Not to be, as so many people have referred to me over the last few months, “a salesman”. I abhor the title. “Ronnie, the thing “so-and-so” said is that maybe it’s because you’re so much of a salesman that….”

or

“You’re such a good salesman that people are making decisions before they really even know what’s happening.”

or

“You’re not my brother, you’re just a salesman!”

That last one was with a landlord who’s property I had rented out a year ago. I was negotiating with him over another listing he was going to give to me, before the switch from one company to the next, and he said those words to me on the phone. i was so pissed when I heard that, I basically killed the deal at that point and told him nevermind without telling him to go fuck himself, which, before my time as a leasing agent, I probably would have.

It killed me inside to hear someone refer to me as that. It was good to hear people telling me I was good at something but it was NOT good to hear that I was a good salesman. And then yesterday I had, what I am starting to call, an “energy day”. Energy Days are days which are probably normal to you. They are your everyday day. But to me they are fucking GOLD! I am starting to relish them. I am writing this right now excited at the prospect that tomorrow I might wake up and have some energy and be able to go out and do something constructive with my life.

I think this could be one of those mixed blessings. I really hope so, because I am frightened a little that soon I will be out of house and home – but I am simultaneously having dreams of returning to Key West and sleeping on the beach until I discover whatever the hell it is my mind is trying to formulate for me right now. My last couple sleep days have been pounded with Visuals of returning to Key West and I just might hit the road when I get my final $1000 from my last job. Maybe there is a better place to go. I love writing and I love women and I love… Oh you know what? Winter is almost here and I also love skiing. Maybe I need to do the opposite. I could imagine myself working at some ski resort doing a job there too, but – well, I’m not exactly in my 20s anymore and I really need to find my path in life. I really feel like I have so much potential that is being wasted.

Which brings me back to the point. My wish, right now, is that somehow I can get treated for whatever sleep condition ales me. That I can find out what it is that is causing it and get some treatment that will make my “energy days” my normal days.

Some shittier news: (LOL Trust me when I say this is not going to be some depressing, shitty blog where I whine and complain. There are, and will be, so many more good times that I will share i the future.) My dog is old as fuck and half-blind and senile. He is prone to fits of growling, barking like he wants to kill and snapping. He has bit me a couple times, once really hard. I love him, and yea, yea, yea I know some people reading this will be like, “Well you should put him down if he’s old and biting.” Trust me, the thought has crossed my mind. But the other thoughts that cross my mind are how he has been my buddy, been there with me since he’s been alive. I’ve been with him longer than any girl I’ve dated. Actually he’s been around through several girls I’ve dated, and I still see part of his nice side coming out. He’s there. He loves me. He wants to be petted and hugged and I can snap him out of his frenzies if I can get to him before he tears my hand off.

I mean, maybe I can tolerate him more because I know what it is to live life with some sort of thing that makes life suck from time to time. At most times in my life there have been something wrong with me that have tore me up either physically or emotionally and through all of them I have persevered. So my buddy, despite his issues, deserves a little leeway. Hopefully he doesn’t kill me or I kill him because of it, but I have a feeling that in life, things do turn out happy in the end. I still, despite all the bullshit I have had beat the shit out of me in my life, feel that there is still a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; that there is a happy ending at the end of the fairy tale. I’ll find mine.

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