The Gift

Theme Song of the Day:

(I hate when they disable embedding…)

Tonight.

Super fucking tired. Last night I did not sleep until morning.  It’s not quite as bad as it sounds, because I was reading stuff.  I have a lot of excitement about this new path of mine, but…

Well I stayed up way early and I am pretty sure Mr Poop came in to my room in the morning throwing a fit.  Nope, I still have not put him down.  He’s not ready.  Call me stupid but he’s not.  He gets scared when he can’t find me.  That is what I have come to the conclusion of.  The smell is not apparently helping.

Also, we just went for a walk and sat on the corner here:

I’m in a sort of Zombie Daze today.  Crappy  sleep makes me into one.  My writing may turn out funny because I am still in said daze.  Yet I write.

I was sitting there with Mr Poop clearing my mind, probably looking to passers by like some weird schizophrenic dude.  I happened to be reciting Sedona Method releases in my head.  I realized I have been clouded over by a bunch of shit recently (you can go back and click the Sedona Stuff if you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about).  So as these thoughts arose in my mind from the environment around me I would release on them.  I had already done this in the shower earlier and added a round of EFT.

Man, I really feel like Leasing was a fucking Life Drainer.  I stopped doing so much of the shit I love, including Yelp Reviews.

Yelp kind of became my enemy, because leasing was fucking up my head.  This is the kind of feedback I would get from WRITING yelp reviews before I stopped due to the overwhelming schedule of my ex-leasing job:

You’re Cool    3/4/2010
Photo of GINA H.

For your review of: The Vagabond

Awesome.

You’re Funny    12/27/2009
Photo of Ruth L.
  • 29friends
  • 15reviews

For your review of: Ferndale Foods

This Ferndale Foods review is the best. Perfect characterization of that dump — top notch!

Thank You    8/8/2010
Photo of chris r.

For your review of: Mam’s Best Food

awesome review of Mams

Hot Stuff    10/1/2009
Photo of janelle w.

For your review of: Mary J’s Unicorn Cafe

Fancy seeing one of my fave Detroit yelpers writing in Knoxville!  I go to Knoxville several times a year for work, so I keep up with the reviews there pretty regularly.

Are you there on vacation?  And birthday?  Happy birthday!

Pages of these compliments and going through them just now, despite the emotionlessness in my head right now, made me smile inside.  And this fucking troll of a job took up so much time and energy I stopped and soon I actually got a message from someone, who appeared to join yelp for the sole purpose of sending me this message:

Write More    2/6/2011
Photo of R P.
  • 0friends
  • 0reviews

I know you must have a lot of other commitments and social activities that take away time from your Yelp reviews but I can’t take it anymore…you have to write another review. It’s like coffee in the morning and I’ve started getting headaches from your absence so please think of the little guys and prioritize!

And I wanted to get back to writing.  I did, but I had the vampire industry of leasing and real estate sucking the life-blood out of me, killing my passion.  It’s funny.  Before I went into leasing there were so many things I did, and I even had a personality that drew people to me and inspired those around me. I still do, but I started to slowly lose it.  As a matter of fact, I was encouraged by my peers and my manager to become something else on a daily basis, something less.  Something more – drone like.

I would have these great big fights with my manger over there, mostly over my “attitude” and that having this sort of ability to be blunt, honest and to the point about things; to speak my mind and be myself – that was all Bad!  That kind of stuff had no place in that industry.

I feel bad for the poor guy too.  He was an artist at one time.  He had the dream inside.  Maybe he still does.  But he lost it.  He let the pseudo-corporate blood sucking parasitic industry that real estate can be kill off most of his hopes and dreams a short while ago.   I feel he even changed for the worse over the year and a few months that I was there working.  Maybe he still has some of it left buried away somewhere.  Maybe lots of people are guilty of that.

So now, since I have quit, I can feel the inspiration slowly coming back.  (I should start calling it something different like “the flow” or “the itis” or something.  I am open to suggestions.)  Before I was doing the Sedona on the Corner I felt like shit. I was wearing some basketball shorts and a Morressey T-Shirt I got at a very cool concert I saw in Ann Arbor.

That was a good time.  I met a chick there who tried to seduce me.  She was HOT and Egyptian.  And on our first date, after that after talking dirty with her at the dinner table for about 20 minutes, I also found out she was Married.  If I was a fucker face I would have went for it, but I tend to have a sense of Chivalry.

I don’t know why that is.  I assumed if I’m good to others Karma will be good to me.  I think in some what it is, and has been, but with women it has always been funny.  I go out of my way thinking, you know.  I wouldn’t want some dude fucking with my girl and trying to snake her from me when I wasn’t around.  If I feel that way perhaps Karma will reward me in kind.

Funny thing is, it doesn’t work out that way sometimes.  I have this psychic ability that seems to tell me whenever girls are being dishonest behind my back.  I figured that when girls have the boyfriends or husbands that, up until now, I would be the nice guy and let them be square and move one.  I think that could change as of 2 days ago.

Again, some fuckwad opportunist had taken advantage of a girl of mine.  It was a girl I left in the Keys, who I had considered my favorite girl ever.  I decided to move to Chicago to go find my fortune.  She liked me – a lot.  She called me and introduced over time, 2 topics.  The first was the concept of seeing where this relationship was going.  The second concept she brought up to me was that she wanted to move to Chicago with me.

I was totally down with this.  I’m not usually that easy.  I can get bored pretty quickly with women.  I don’t mean to.  Sometimes they get bored with me.  Sometimes they just figure I’m Mr Smooth player they can just fuck-n-run.  Whatever the case.  She was a girl I was all about doing the Long Term deal with.

I will be the first to say I am not about  the long distance thing.  But with her I figured it was a temporary thing.  She really expressed some beautiful things to me over time.  She told me I helped her learn that she was beautiful and sexy.  I watched her evolve into a confident, beautiful creature.  I mean she already was in the first place but I have a Gift.  I will talk about that later.

She would text me from time to time and tell me how amazing I was as a person.  I was in Chicago and I really felt like there were times I would have walked from the Leasing thing, but I figured I was trying to build something for her and I when she got here.

And then one day I came across this:

Distance – Click to play 😉

And I lost…  I can’t remember what the girl said, but it was along the lines that she was not feeling it anymore.  It’s just a game right?  Except I have had the pleasure of being tuned into a deeper reality since I was very young.  I do not believe in coincidence.  Neither does Deepak Chopra.  I actually felt pissed that I lost.  I told myself, “Fuck that.  You’re being stupid.  It’s a game.”

But I got that gnawing feeling inside, just for a bit.

I think it was some days later that the buzz started.  I had that buzz in the past and it had never been wrong.  Not about Jobs, Not about Friends, not about Girls. . .  I can’t kick this feeling when it hits.  I hate that feeling.  I know it’s right when I get it and every single time I’m like, “fuck you feeling!”

Experts say that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator of a cheatinglover. Adultery statistics state that 85% of woman who feel their lover ischeating are correct. 50% of men who feel their lover is cheating are right. The first clue is seldom obvious. Typically, it’s a “feeling” that something is different.

And it was when I was checking out her facebook and happened upon some posts that were pretty innocent between her and some dude.  Of course there was a picture of her on his motorcycle on his facebook.  Smiling.  A couple pictures of her at a bonfire at his house.  She had been telling me about these cool bonfires she was going to.

I’m not jealous.  And besides, the guy was a nerdy fat guy. “She’s kind of a nerd, Ronnie,” said my mind in response.  A Herd I guess.  A Hot nerd.   But they had some shit in common about Family Guy and some other shit.  I’m not sure what else.  Must have been something.

But like I said, I’m not a jealous dude, and still that fat piece of shit kept popping into my head and I knew it.  I was like, “If he hasn’t gotten to her yet it’s in his plans.”  And then…  Her grandfather died.

And soon after, though I tried to support her from a distance, I was not there in person.  Guess who was?  Mr Fat, Nerd, Opportunist.  And what did he say, “I’m here for you.  If I were your boyfriend I would come down here and hold you and be here for you.”

Something like that.  I’m close, I promise that.  So he swooped in when she was vulnerable, and because she did not have experience with slimy guys in the past she fell for it.  Soon she basically related to me that she wanted to call it off…  She had no idea, and probably still doesn’t, that I knew about this guy.  She really didn’t have any solid reasons.  It seemed that all the stuff she loved about me was the exact stuff she told me she didn’t like about me anymore.  I think she actually said something like that.  I figured it was a momento mori.

But then, one day…

…when you least expect it, “The great adventure finds you!” Ron’s sudden death was the catalyst for everything.

Deborah told me later that it had been like a wake-up call for her. What people used to call: “The memento mori”. Ron’s massive coronary had reminded her that life was just too short to waste any chance of true happiness.

And his death that helped her to put everything in perspective. 

~ Men Who Stare At Goats

Now I know I was not completely right.  I do think I was half right.  Fucking Facebook . . .  We had a break up date where we went to Las Vegas for a week (we had it planned before the break up) and during that time I dropped a hint at her about some dude on facebook.  I don’t even remember the conversation or the context, but she paused and said, “What guy?” and I knew.  But it didn’t stop us from the usual awesomeness we had when we were together.  The Adventure, The Lovemaking, The time during the  concert we went to see when she said, “There you go, turning on the charm again.”

All that was still there but she kept reverting to some other self I had not seen before and I could not snap her out of it.  It was already done.  But that’s cool.  I’m not writing this because I’m mad, or not over it or whatever.  Actually, my friend Houston gave me the best advice concerning girls cheating or pulling shit like this a long time ago when we were in our early twenties.

I accidentally stole a girl from him.  I swear it was an accident.  But when I was like, “dude.  I’m sorry.”  He gave me the best advice ever.

He said, “If I’m going to Marry a girl, and you can fuck her on my wedding day, You just did me a Huge favor because now I know what type of girl she really is.”

And once they do it once it will happen again.

My point in all this after that massive tangent is, Why am I always trying to be the good guy in all of this?  Why don’t I just swoop in and take other dude’s chicks?  It’s starting to get tempting. . .  Trust me when I say I could.  There was a girl at the coffeeshop I was at the other day.  During my flirt she had told me she had a boyfriend, but that did not stop the vibe.  I didn’t push it either, maybe a little but not a lot.  But then when she was leaving I said, “you know what?  Why don’t we go have a “night that never happened.” and go have some drinks and see what we can see.

She stopped.  Her eyes went up and to the right.  She thought about it.  She was smiling.  Then, smiling, she said no but walked off with a huge glow.  I usually would never do that.  But thanks to others, maybe I will start.  I dunno…

Let’s fastforward back to my earlier point, sitting on the corner of Clark and Belmont…  So before the releasing of the Sedona Session I felt like shit.  People would even look at me a little strange and I might try to smile but I could not.   Soon after I asked a question to myself.  I was thinking about who people are; their Identities.  A couple examples of people popped into my mind.  I can’t remember who they are right now.  All I know is I asked myself, “Well then, what am I?”

“You’re a Shaman.” was the thought that immediately popped into my mind.  This is not the first time I have had that thought.  (I may even know my animal totem…  I think I have a couple.  Crows, and then last night I met another one maybe, a rabbit.  I have always loved the concept of the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, seeming like it’s always in a hurry and on it’s way to who knows where, but always leading her deeper…  But I haven’t had any visions to confirm that yet.)

Thats when I got up and started walking back toward my apartment.  That whole time Poop had been chill and as quiet as a church mouse.  People around started smiling when I passed.  I had a grin on my face.  Someone complimented me on my beautiful dog.  I felt better all of a sudden  (all except my sleep-zombie mode, but that was kind of pushed to the backdrop).  I went and got a Frozen Yogurt at Forever Yogurt and I felt good.

I always wanted to have a vision.  Instead I have super interesting dreams, but I do not remember most of them unless they are super important.  I will get into all the Shaman blah blah in another post maybe.  Next time I am tired and loopy, perhaps.

Maybe now.  I’m not sure yet.  But I will say this.  I have a gift.  I always have had this gift; to inspire people.  How do I know?  They tell me.

I plant seeds.  I do not know how.  I just do.  I do not try.  Trying would probably not work.

Or maybe It would.

You see?  Though I just said I inspire people, I think there is more to the gift.  I just don’t know what it is…

Some of you reading this have gifts.  Some of you are good at building businesses, or making clothes, or writing cool stories, or singing, dancing, entrepreneurial (thank God for spell check) or whatever.  You have a gift.  You know what that gift is and you use it.

Some of you don’t know what your gift is and are sitting there giftless.  But you are not giftless at all.  You just haven’t found your gift.  Perhaps circumstances, bullshit pressures, stress and distraction has made you put your gift away somewhere.  But I bet if you listen…

I bet if you watch…

I bet if you pay attention…

Life is trying to give you the gift.

I think I need to go on a quest to find my gift.  I need to figure out what it is, how it works and make use of it.  This whole Age of Aquarius or 2012 thing could be bullshit, or it could be real, but no matter what – the world is changing FASTER than ever before.

So let’s go back to the story of my Ex above. Maybe the whole purpose behind me and her was so that I could teach her to be beautiful.  To know that she is a wonderful creature.  To give her the gift of confidence and help her grow in some way she could not without my intervention.  I don’t know.

But maybe there is more to all of this.  Perhaps…  I want to find out.  If I am a Shaman, I want to be able to make full use of it.  I want to be useful, not just do it for me, but to be some sort of positive force in the universe.

By the way, writing all this makes me want to read The Teachings of Don Juan again.  Great book if any of my blah blah in this post interests you.

So now what?

Ah shit.  Looks like I ran out of my writing steam. I guess my message is done. For now.

So I guess I will go and search for myself.  I am getting back to writing.  I may even Yelp again sometime soon, but there are some things I need for sure.  Another Camera, some sort of income, and I really think I need to be able to travel.

If any of you know anything about Travel Jobs or any good blogs or sources about how these cats go off and travel all over the world and write about it in their blogs – hook me up.

PS – I like Ratings!  If you have been reading my stuff this will be my only plug for the time being.  Rate, Comment, tell me I’m a nutjob or you love reading my stuff.  Link up your stuff to my posts.  I don’t care…

I like action, and I can see my hits are growing so…  Let’s make this interactive!

Make no mistake my friend your pointless life will end so sing it now; all the things you love, all the things you loathe…  Sing your life!

Sidecar:
Advertisements

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s