The Gift

Theme Song of the Day:

(I hate when they disable embedding…)

Tonight.

Super fucking tired. Last night I did not sleep until morning.  It’s not quite as bad as it sounds, because I was reading stuff.  I have a lot of excitement about this new path of mine, but…

Well I stayed up way early and I am pretty sure Mr Poop came in to my room in the morning throwing a fit.  Nope, I still have not put him down.  He’s not ready.  Call me stupid but he’s not.  He gets scared when he can’t find me.  That is what I have come to the conclusion of.  The smell is not apparently helping.

Also, we just went for a walk and sat on the corner here:

I’m in a sort of Zombie Daze today.  Crappy  sleep makes me into one.  My writing may turn out funny because I am still in said daze.  Yet I write.

I was sitting there with Mr Poop clearing my mind, probably looking to passers by like some weird schizophrenic dude.  I happened to be reciting Sedona Method releases in my head.  I realized I have been clouded over by a bunch of shit recently (you can go back and click the Sedona Stuff if you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about).  So as these thoughts arose in my mind from the environment around me I would release on them.  I had already done this in the shower earlier and added a round of EFT.

Man, I really feel like Leasing was a fucking Life Drainer.  I stopped doing so much of the shit I love, including Yelp Reviews.

Yelp kind of became my enemy, because leasing was fucking up my head.  This is the kind of feedback I would get from WRITING yelp reviews before I stopped due to the overwhelming schedule of my ex-leasing job:

You’re Cool    3/4/2010
Photo of GINA H.

For your review of: The Vagabond

Awesome.

You’re Funny    12/27/2009
Photo of Ruth L.
  • 29friends
  • 15reviews

For your review of: Ferndale Foods

This Ferndale Foods review is the best. Perfect characterization of that dump — top notch!

Thank You    8/8/2010
Photo of chris r.

For your review of: Mam’s Best Food

awesome review of Mams

Hot Stuff    10/1/2009
Photo of janelle w.

For your review of: Mary J’s Unicorn Cafe

Fancy seeing one of my fave Detroit yelpers writing in Knoxville!  I go to Knoxville several times a year for work, so I keep up with the reviews there pretty regularly.

Are you there on vacation?  And birthday?  Happy birthday!

Pages of these compliments and going through them just now, despite the emotionlessness in my head right now, made me smile inside.  And this fucking troll of a job took up so much time and energy I stopped and soon I actually got a message from someone, who appeared to join yelp for the sole purpose of sending me this message:

Write More    2/6/2011
Photo of R P.
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  • 0reviews

I know you must have a lot of other commitments and social activities that take away time from your Yelp reviews but I can’t take it anymore…you have to write another review. It’s like coffee in the morning and I’ve started getting headaches from your absence so please think of the little guys and prioritize!

And I wanted to get back to writing.  I did, but I had the vampire industry of leasing and real estate sucking the life-blood out of me, killing my passion.  It’s funny.  Before I went into leasing there were so many things I did, and I even had a personality that drew people to me and inspired those around me. I still do, but I started to slowly lose it.  As a matter of fact, I was encouraged by my peers and my manager to become something else on a daily basis, something less.  Something more – drone like.

I would have these great big fights with my manger over there, mostly over my “attitude” and that having this sort of ability to be blunt, honest and to the point about things; to speak my mind and be myself – that was all Bad!  That kind of stuff had no place in that industry.

I feel bad for the poor guy too.  He was an artist at one time.  He had the dream inside.  Maybe he still does.  But he lost it.  He let the pseudo-corporate blood sucking parasitic industry that real estate can be kill off most of his hopes and dreams a short while ago.   I feel he even changed for the worse over the year and a few months that I was there working.  Maybe he still has some of it left buried away somewhere.  Maybe lots of people are guilty of that.

So now, since I have quit, I can feel the inspiration slowly coming back.  (I should start calling it something different like “the flow” or “the itis” or something.  I am open to suggestions.)  Before I was doing the Sedona on the Corner I felt like shit. I was wearing some basketball shorts and a Morressey T-Shirt I got at a very cool concert I saw in Ann Arbor.

That was a good time.  I met a chick there who tried to seduce me.  She was HOT and Egyptian.  And on our first date, after that after talking dirty with her at the dinner table for about 20 minutes, I also found out she was Married.  If I was a fucker face I would have went for it, but I tend to have a sense of Chivalry.

I don’t know why that is.  I assumed if I’m good to others Karma will be good to me.  I think in some what it is, and has been, but with women it has always been funny.  I go out of my way thinking, you know.  I wouldn’t want some dude fucking with my girl and trying to snake her from me when I wasn’t around.  If I feel that way perhaps Karma will reward me in kind.

Funny thing is, it doesn’t work out that way sometimes.  I have this psychic ability that seems to tell me whenever girls are being dishonest behind my back.  I figured that when girls have the boyfriends or husbands that, up until now, I would be the nice guy and let them be square and move one.  I think that could change as of 2 days ago.

Again, some fuckwad opportunist had taken advantage of a girl of mine.  It was a girl I left in the Keys, who I had considered my favorite girl ever.  I decided to move to Chicago to go find my fortune.  She liked me – a lot.  She called me and introduced over time, 2 topics.  The first was the concept of seeing where this relationship was going.  The second concept she brought up to me was that she wanted to move to Chicago with me.

I was totally down with this.  I’m not usually that easy.  I can get bored pretty quickly with women.  I don’t mean to.  Sometimes they get bored with me.  Sometimes they just figure I’m Mr Smooth player they can just fuck-n-run.  Whatever the case.  She was a girl I was all about doing the Long Term deal with.

I will be the first to say I am not about  the long distance thing.  But with her I figured it was a temporary thing.  She really expressed some beautiful things to me over time.  She told me I helped her learn that she was beautiful and sexy.  I watched her evolve into a confident, beautiful creature.  I mean she already was in the first place but I have a Gift.  I will talk about that later.

She would text me from time to time and tell me how amazing I was as a person.  I was in Chicago and I really felt like there were times I would have walked from the Leasing thing, but I figured I was trying to build something for her and I when she got here.

And then one day I came across this:

Distance – Click to play 😉

And I lost…  I can’t remember what the girl said, but it was along the lines that she was not feeling it anymore.  It’s just a game right?  Except I have had the pleasure of being tuned into a deeper reality since I was very young.  I do not believe in coincidence.  Neither does Deepak Chopra.  I actually felt pissed that I lost.  I told myself, “Fuck that.  You’re being stupid.  It’s a game.”

But I got that gnawing feeling inside, just for a bit.

I think it was some days later that the buzz started.  I had that buzz in the past and it had never been wrong.  Not about Jobs, Not about Friends, not about Girls. . .  I can’t kick this feeling when it hits.  I hate that feeling.  I know it’s right when I get it and every single time I’m like, “fuck you feeling!”

Experts say that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator of a cheatinglover. Adultery statistics state that 85% of woman who feel their lover ischeating are correct. 50% of men who feel their lover is cheating are right. The first clue is seldom obvious. Typically, it’s a “feeling” that something is different.

And it was when I was checking out her facebook and happened upon some posts that were pretty innocent between her and some dude.  Of course there was a picture of her on his motorcycle on his facebook.  Smiling.  A couple pictures of her at a bonfire at his house.  She had been telling me about these cool bonfires she was going to.

I’m not jealous.  And besides, the guy was a nerdy fat guy. “She’s kind of a nerd, Ronnie,” said my mind in response.  A Herd I guess.  A Hot nerd.   But they had some shit in common about Family Guy and some other shit.  I’m not sure what else.  Must have been something.

But like I said, I’m not a jealous dude, and still that fat piece of shit kept popping into my head and I knew it.  I was like, “If he hasn’t gotten to her yet it’s in his plans.”  And then…  Her grandfather died.

And soon after, though I tried to support her from a distance, I was not there in person.  Guess who was?  Mr Fat, Nerd, Opportunist.  And what did he say, “I’m here for you.  If I were your boyfriend I would come down here and hold you and be here for you.”

Something like that.  I’m close, I promise that.  So he swooped in when she was vulnerable, and because she did not have experience with slimy guys in the past she fell for it.  Soon she basically related to me that she wanted to call it off…  She had no idea, and probably still doesn’t, that I knew about this guy.  She really didn’t have any solid reasons.  It seemed that all the stuff she loved about me was the exact stuff she told me she didn’t like about me anymore.  I think she actually said something like that.  I figured it was a momento mori.

But then, one day…

…when you least expect it, “The great adventure finds you!” Ron’s sudden death was the catalyst for everything.

Deborah told me later that it had been like a wake-up call for her. What people used to call: “The memento mori”. Ron’s massive coronary had reminded her that life was just too short to waste any chance of true happiness.

And his death that helped her to put everything in perspective. 

~ Men Who Stare At Goats

Now I know I was not completely right.  I do think I was half right.  Fucking Facebook . . .  We had a break up date where we went to Las Vegas for a week (we had it planned before the break up) and during that time I dropped a hint at her about some dude on facebook.  I don’t even remember the conversation or the context, but she paused and said, “What guy?” and I knew.  But it didn’t stop us from the usual awesomeness we had when we were together.  The Adventure, The Lovemaking, The time during the  concert we went to see when she said, “There you go, turning on the charm again.”

All that was still there but she kept reverting to some other self I had not seen before and I could not snap her out of it.  It was already done.  But that’s cool.  I’m not writing this because I’m mad, or not over it or whatever.  Actually, my friend Houston gave me the best advice concerning girls cheating or pulling shit like this a long time ago when we were in our early twenties.

I accidentally stole a girl from him.  I swear it was an accident.  But when I was like, “dude.  I’m sorry.”  He gave me the best advice ever.

He said, “If I’m going to Marry a girl, and you can fuck her on my wedding day, You just did me a Huge favor because now I know what type of girl she really is.”

And once they do it once it will happen again.

My point in all this after that massive tangent is, Why am I always trying to be the good guy in all of this?  Why don’t I just swoop in and take other dude’s chicks?  It’s starting to get tempting. . .  Trust me when I say I could.  There was a girl at the coffeeshop I was at the other day.  During my flirt she had told me she had a boyfriend, but that did not stop the vibe.  I didn’t push it either, maybe a little but not a lot.  But then when she was leaving I said, “you know what?  Why don’t we go have a “night that never happened.” and go have some drinks and see what we can see.

She stopped.  Her eyes went up and to the right.  She thought about it.  She was smiling.  Then, smiling, she said no but walked off with a huge glow.  I usually would never do that.  But thanks to others, maybe I will start.  I dunno…

Let’s fastforward back to my earlier point, sitting on the corner of Clark and Belmont…  So before the releasing of the Sedona Session I felt like shit.  People would even look at me a little strange and I might try to smile but I could not.   Soon after I asked a question to myself.  I was thinking about who people are; their Identities.  A couple examples of people popped into my mind.  I can’t remember who they are right now.  All I know is I asked myself, “Well then, what am I?”

“You’re a Shaman.” was the thought that immediately popped into my mind.  This is not the first time I have had that thought.  (I may even know my animal totem…  I think I have a couple.  Crows, and then last night I met another one maybe, a rabbit.  I have always loved the concept of the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, seeming like it’s always in a hurry and on it’s way to who knows where, but always leading her deeper…  But I haven’t had any visions to confirm that yet.)

Thats when I got up and started walking back toward my apartment.  That whole time Poop had been chill and as quiet as a church mouse.  People around started smiling when I passed.  I had a grin on my face.  Someone complimented me on my beautiful dog.  I felt better all of a sudden  (all except my sleep-zombie mode, but that was kind of pushed to the backdrop).  I went and got a Frozen Yogurt at Forever Yogurt and I felt good.

I always wanted to have a vision.  Instead I have super interesting dreams, but I do not remember most of them unless they are super important.  I will get into all the Shaman blah blah in another post maybe.  Next time I am tired and loopy, perhaps.

Maybe now.  I’m not sure yet.  But I will say this.  I have a gift.  I always have had this gift; to inspire people.  How do I know?  They tell me.

I plant seeds.  I do not know how.  I just do.  I do not try.  Trying would probably not work.

Or maybe It would.

You see?  Though I just said I inspire people, I think there is more to the gift.  I just don’t know what it is…

Some of you reading this have gifts.  Some of you are good at building businesses, or making clothes, or writing cool stories, or singing, dancing, entrepreneurial (thank God for spell check) or whatever.  You have a gift.  You know what that gift is and you use it.

Some of you don’t know what your gift is and are sitting there giftless.  But you are not giftless at all.  You just haven’t found your gift.  Perhaps circumstances, bullshit pressures, stress and distraction has made you put your gift away somewhere.  But I bet if you listen…

I bet if you watch…

I bet if you pay attention…

Life is trying to give you the gift.

I think I need to go on a quest to find my gift.  I need to figure out what it is, how it works and make use of it.  This whole Age of Aquarius or 2012 thing could be bullshit, or it could be real, but no matter what – the world is changing FASTER than ever before.

So let’s go back to the story of my Ex above. Maybe the whole purpose behind me and her was so that I could teach her to be beautiful.  To know that she is a wonderful creature.  To give her the gift of confidence and help her grow in some way she could not without my intervention.  I don’t know.

But maybe there is more to all of this.  Perhaps…  I want to find out.  If I am a Shaman, I want to be able to make full use of it.  I want to be useful, not just do it for me, but to be some sort of positive force in the universe.

By the way, writing all this makes me want to read The Teachings of Don Juan again.  Great book if any of my blah blah in this post interests you.

So now what?

Ah shit.  Looks like I ran out of my writing steam. I guess my message is done. For now.

So I guess I will go and search for myself.  I am getting back to writing.  I may even Yelp again sometime soon, but there are some things I need for sure.  Another Camera, some sort of income, and I really think I need to be able to travel.

If any of you know anything about Travel Jobs or any good blogs or sources about how these cats go off and travel all over the world and write about it in their blogs – hook me up.

PS – I like Ratings!  If you have been reading my stuff this will be my only plug for the time being.  Rate, Comment, tell me I’m a nutjob or you love reading my stuff.  Link up your stuff to my posts.  I don’t care…

I like action, and I can see my hits are growing so…  Let’s make this interactive!

Make no mistake my friend your pointless life will end so sing it now; all the things you love, all the things you loathe…  Sing your life!

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Try Not to Bite Me Mr Poop

This is a Sad Story.  I just wanted to warn you up front.

This is a Picture of Mr Poop:

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This is a picture of him at the Starbucks in Key West.  He is quite a little celebrity.  So many people have taken pictures of him it’s not even funny.  He has always been such a well behaved dog, a pure charmer.  He used to belong to my Late Father.  My dad would take him all over on these long car rides every day.  They would go in my dad’s big Dodge 2500 and Poop would just sleep somewhere and make a fat mess, because that’s what he’s good at.  He has always been my dog though, since I had to help raise him, so we have been buddies since he was pretty much a little Mr Poop.  I remember picking him up from the Michigan State Animal Hospital where he was shipped in from Minnesota.  The girls at the pick up place were like, “he’s a little charmer!” and here was this little Mr Poop in his little kennel they shipped him in, and you could just see he was happy and playful!

After my father passed away I took good care of him, we have been so many places from living in the middle of the forest and off a lake in Michigan, to Detroit, to Key West, Miami, Chicago…  All of these places.  He’s been with me through so many girlfriends, like it seems like Ancient History, and it kind of is.  He’s 11 years old for an English Bulldog.  That is like Ancient.  I know some dog’s live to like 15 or whatever but bulldogs are a bundle of problems from day 1.  This guy had eye problems for a long time. We really did  our best to keep him in good vision but a couple of years ago his eyes started showing signs of going a little cloudy.  Of course it was gradual.  Over time I did my best to spoil him.  We went on walkabouts in the Keys – like Big Treks.  He eats like a king.  just today he had one of his favorite snacks, Chicken Skin off a roasted chicken.  Sometimes if I ran out of food and couldn’t get to the store what do you think he would get?  Probably something like 6 jumbo eggs cooked, cooled a little and then just dumped into his bowl.  Or maybe he would get a big bowl of pasta.

He’s been there through the good times and the bad.  He used to sleep with me all the time.  Until a few months ago, he started to change a little.  It was minor at first but it has gotten worse and worse over time.  One night he would just growl, usually only for a couple minutes, then he would be cool again.  Then it was happening every night; he would wander out towards my bed where I was sleeping and growl a little, then he would maybe walk back to his closet (he was always famous for commandeering closets or cubbyholes.  I would do my best to make sure he had at least some cave and in some cases these caves were HUGE!  I would go visit Poop in his “apartment” I would call it.) and go to sleep.  He used to be cute, and want to come sleep in my bed.  He would either do it, or for a short time I put my mattress up high on a frame and box-spring and he would come whine and whimper in the middle of the night until I woke up to pull him up into the bed..

Unfortunately that has changed.  I don’t hear the whine and whimper anymore.  While I have been writing this he has come into my room about 3 times.  2 of those times he would hear me call out to him and growl and then, once he got close enough to me, he would maybe snarl, lunge and snap to try and bite.  I’m a tiny scared but not really.  I more feel fucking SAD because, I think he has a combo problem of going blind and getting senile.  It’s like clockwork and it’s very fucking sad.  I can see him come looking for me.  In his mind, he wants to come see his buddy, me.  But then the fucking circuitry in his brain is misfiring.  He gets MEAN.  He trys to bite.  I can dodge him and feint and finally duck in with my hand to get to his face or under his chin, but it is not a fun, or easy task, and it does involve the possibility of getting bit.  I have been bit twice now.  When I get my hand under his chin or grab his collar or put my hand on top of his head or both my hands on the sides of his face, and I’m like, awww Mr Poop…  Then he chills out and becomes himself.

But now it’s just getting bad.  He is having these fits a lot.  But the fucking hard part about it is, I can see him in there still, his old self.  He still pops up.  It’s not fucking fair.  He doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, and sometimes I can see him realize he just had a fit and feel a little bad.  Just now he came into my room, and one minute he was trying to bite me, the next I was calming him down, but then the realization I have been having lately dawned upon me once again – that i’m going to have to put him to sleep – and I fucking cried.

And then he tried to cheer me up, by biting my nose (that’s play biting and it is SUPER easy to tell the difference) and I could see he felt empathy.  So he snaps back to being himself, quite a lot, and it makes it fucking hard!  I have to take him in to the fucking vets, my buddy of like 11 years, and have them inject him with poison that will kill him, and that’s fucking bullshit!  I am pretty much left with no choice.  I have actually pushed it out far, I keep hoping for a miracle.  I keep hoping something magical will happen and I will figure out a way to teach him to chill, but I really do think he is going senile.

I actually stopped dating over the last month or so because the last girl who spent the night here a couple time, got freaked out the last time she was here, because early in the morning Poop was growling, barking and sounding a lot like he wanted to kill someone, and he was in the other room in his kennel.  Try getting your groove on with a dog one room away sounding like he wants to murder someone.

He has cock-blocked me a couple times in the past.  One time I was getting ready to make out with this chick, and Poop was a couple feet away and all you heard was, “Pfffffttttttttt….” and it was Deadly.  He literally destroyed the room with that smell, and the mood was gone…  I think he did me a favor with that chick though so no big deal.  And he was my buddy so Cock-blocks were pretty much forgiven.

But with this last chick, well… She said, “I don’t feel comfortable being here.”  After that day, She didn’t want to hang out any more.  Ok, ya sure…  Who cares?  If she can’t handle my dog….  But at the same time, I wouldn’t expect any chick to be able to handle that.  Romantic moods are pretty much destroyed.  So just when I was getting on a little streak I decided to hang it up for a minute.  I’m not into dating to scare the shit out of chicks.

So the point is, I have to take him in.  I know he’s gonna be excited.  He’s always in a good mood when we go for walks.  He loves them.I took him in the car the other day to Starbucks and sat outside.  Twice he threw a fit right around this girl, but I was having a conversation with her and had already warned her…  Before that she was like, “Ohh noo..  This guy?” Because he was being a sweetheart.  But man, that fit just comes out of no where.

And that’s the point innit?  It’s hard to imagine him being all happy, being at the vets.  Surprisingly he has always LOVED the vets.  I took him in for an evaluation a month ago and the he was so well behaved the vets were like, “I don’t think he’s ready to be put down yet.” A phone call later after the appointment and once of the vets got to hear him in the background during one of his fits changed everything.

So it is a dilemma.  But his fits are gradually getting more dangerous.  I guess, as some people have talked to suggested, he could be in pain.  He could be suffering.  Maybe I need to come to terms with it.  The other way I can look at it, a possibility that occurred to me while writing this is, maybe it’s not so bad that he will be in a good mood when I got to put him to sleep.  Maybe that is 100 times better than if he died a miserable, angry, frenzied death where he was fighting and nashing.  No, maybe I can pet him, give him some chicken, hug him, scratch him under his jaw (his favorite place) and let him feel good as they inject him.  And then I’ll let him go on and see my dad.

I have a date tomorrow.  I made it on accident. lol  It was sort of spontaneous.  I think tomorrow, though, I may take him to the vets, and I’m not sure what kind of condition I will be for the date…  But I have been telling myself “Tomorrow” for over a month now…

He’s my fucking buddy, man.  This is going to be HARD!