Down in the dumps… My bitchy ranty post?

I can’t even flirt today…  This is where I do some stream of consciousness writing to ask myself, “Me?  What’s going on?”  That’s the question.  Now I will just write and not even really pay attention to what I write and get it out. For the record there are 2 cute girls to my left in this coffeeshop but I’m talking to them and, they even talked to me and engaged me a couple times, and I can’t get out of dry conversation.  I have no money and this job that hired me, just seems to be taking forever to start up.  I have taken to sending out resumes again just today to see if any other places need someone.  Not that I’m going to quit the other place, I plan on staying but they aren’t open so…  Well now would be a good time to have some fucking money in my pocket.

Graaaah.  So talk about dilemmas.  Here we go; I l already know the answer but I wanna see it written down and solidified.  If 2 cute girls are showing curiosity and interest in me, and I’m stuck in my head with this feeling of…  Droll, dumb, dry and non challenging or fun conversation…  Ronnie, What’s going on?

——————

Dude, money?  Talk about frustrating.  So there’s a difference between being broke and being completely fucking broke.  When I am broke but have enough money to spend on little things, dating is actually pretty cool.  I can do well.  But right now I can’t even afford to go out by myself, let alone meet some girl and take her out.  Short of meeting some girl and pulling her to my place immediately, I really ….

Here’s the thing.  It’s one thing when I feel like I have some exciting shit going on in my life and I am actually living it.  But I am in this broke fucking state right now.  I get girls who I text with and the texts are even funny and entertaining and I am sure I could have these girls out with me, but then I don’t ask them out.  Why?  Anyway, I need to figure out how to get money in my pocket.

I get it.  Sticking to my guns is important, and I don’t fucking plan on selling out.  I need to follow my dreams of opening my own bar and I am getting to the age where if I don’t follow through now, I never will follow through.  So the time is now.  Establish.  Get involved.  But I’m 38 and I never thought, when I was young, that I would be this broke fucker struggling with painfully difficult sleep issues at this age.

No one tells you when you’re young, “So guess what?  You’re gonna deal with a fucked up sleep disease for years when you’re older where it will debilitate the fuck out of your life.  No.  Really.  You’re going to have days where you know people are out enjoying life and you’re going to be too much of a zombie to even get out of bed, or do anything besides play videogames or watch movies that you’re too tired to even pay attention to.  So you’ll just kind of veg out all day, eat and try to sleep in some painfully scary situation where it seems like the fact that you are SO fucking tired makes it, actually, more difficult to get to sleep.

Then you’re going to wake up, and have to sit there and wonder to yourself if you can push through the next day or if in about 30 minutes you’re going to realize that you didn’t get enough sleep and your eyes, your head, your mind and pretty much the rest of you are gonna feel like shit.  Man, and then there’s the battle of getting back to sleep, or sometimes, not where you lay there for an hour or two and slowly fall asleep, battling with trying…

Man, fuck this.  I am not going to be old this fucking fast.  I am not going to have some major issue like this at this point in my life.  I will conquer this.  But how?  I want to live my life.  I need to get a fucking job and I need to make sure it’s doing what  I love.

Why such an emphasis in doing what I love?  Because I have had enough pain in my life.  I ….

So Jesus Christ, Surprise, Surprise, Surprise…

This is how life works.

Check this out…

As I’m feeling like shit and bitching and whining to you what do you think happened?

Take a wild guess.  Don’t fucking cheat!

So my phone rang just a minute ago..  I had just put up a couple ads on craigslist trying to sell a couple things I have.  I didn’t recognize the number so I picked it up.

“Hi, Ronnie…?” The female voice on the other end said.

“Ya, this is,” I replied.

“This is ——- from ——— Bar.  Do you wanna work Sunday?  We’re gonna be open.”

Of fucking COURSE!  I didn’t say that, of fucking course, but the jist of it is..  It’s GO TIME.  That’s right.  My new bar is gonna be open this Sunday and they want me to work… Nice!

So here we go.  It’s been a while but I’m ready to do this.  Let’s make it happen!

Interesting how things change at the drop of a hat.  Sometimes I just need to make sure I follow my own advice and remind myself of the Taoist Farmer Story.

Anyway, ladies and gents.  It’s Go Time!

Sidecar:

Wanna celebrate with me?  Well how does a broke ass Libra celebrate a victory such as this?  Besides sex.  I’ll get to that soon enough.  Let me get the money thing straightened out and then we can get back to seduction.  Cool?  😉

By watching Kung Fu, of course.

Here’s one of my favorites of all times.  It’s a little love story, no really.  It’s got action, comedy, romance, bromance, evil wizards, monsters, alcoholism and all sorts of shit all wrapped up into one.

I DARE YOU to watch it for 10 minutes and see if you don’t get sucked in.  Seriously.

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What to Write About?

Sculpture of Bruce Lee at the Avenue of Stars,...

Image via Wikipedia

It’s interesting how a person can trick themselves into not thinking they have anything to talk about or that they can’t think of anything to write about.  I just had a spotty conversation with a girl who was next to me in the coffeeshop, and she was giving me a shot.  She wanted to see what I was all about but my conversation was choppy.  I kept talking about crap topics.  And crap topics can be ok, if there is a flow.

But the point is, all around me there is stuff.  I am in Chicago; one of the Major Cities on this earth.  I am in Kickstand Coffeeshop.  They call it Kickstand Espresso Bar which, when I actually look, they have a bar type setup where they make the espresso. Not the regular espresso machine behind the counter or off in a corner with a service area like at Starbucks.  Yep, they have a bar and there are actually 3 people sitting up at the bar like it’s a real bar.  There are 2 old bicycles on the wall.  There is art on the walls; Battleships, Deathstar, Burlesque chick, things everywhere to talk about.  Things everywhere to write about; people, places, things.  Even now, as I write this I am more focused on what I am writing, whether it is any good or not instead of flowing like I usually do.

So welcome, to my expirament!  My purpose to to push past the cobwebs and break through to reality.  I think we all get like this sometimes.  Our minds are clouded with stuff that has nothing to do with what’s really going on in our reality and we miss all the cool shit happening right in front of our faces.  I’m sure I’m not the first person to point this out to you either.  We get so caught up in our work, or that thing that happened at work, or am I doing the right thing or what will something think if I do “THIS”, is this the right time, what will make the biggest impact, I don’t want to sound uncool.

My favorite times are when I flow, like Bruce Lee (like water), I flow.  I don’t think about what I’m doing and saying – I just do and say, and THOSE times are always the BEST times of my life.  I think my personal preference would to be like that all the time.  I will throw out some excuses and then examine each one.  These are my excuses right now as to why my conversation was shit with that girl and why I am not flowing today (even though – as I push forward – my writing is starting to f-l-oooo….wwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  Got to – push past!).

  • I had a shitty sleep day yesterday so I am recovering today.
  • I have a headache.
  • I’m not in the mood to talk to someone really.
  • I don’t know what to say.
  • How can I get her into bed?  I need to do the right thing…  (yes – most of you are new to my life since I have made it my mission to freestyle this blog but as we go along you will understand, I promise.  And my guess is – it will be a fun ride.  Alright – no more cheezy self-plugs 😉
So here we go.
  • I had a shitty sleep day yesterday so I am recovering today.

Well that’s EXACTLY why you should be enjoying the fuck out of today – SQUEEZE the juice out of life.  You Love talking to people and most of the time people like talking to you.  What kind of kickassness can you bring into someone else’s day?  How many memories do you have of lighting people up like a lightbulb?
  • I have a headache.

Cool so that means you can’t talk?  Don’t want to talk?  Well, I do want to talk to people.  It’s what I do best.  I am able.  So earlier today I say the guy in my ally.  I think of him as the Bazaar merchant.  He’s a homeless guy with only 1 hand.  He has a shopping cart, but it is not filled with his belongings.  No man, he’s always got stuff to sell.  Where does he get it?  From the Trash.  It’s stuff people throw out, and I know this because I saw him going through the trash.  Now some people will knock that shit.  They will say, “fucking bum going through the trash!”  But man, look.  Some people do marketing online.  Some people do real estate.

You know what I was doing for the past year?  Making money off free shit.  How?  I was a leasing agent for real estate.  Technically I still should be but my brain is shouting to follow my dreams.  And then I come across writings like this guy’s that screw me up even more: http://wayneelise.com/2011/07/fat-captain-america.html

What I mean by “screw up” is that I have been doing some serious thinking.  You may already know if you are reading this or you may not.  So I feel like I have a gift.  I know writing is one of them.  I know exploring is another.  I know Travelling is another.  I know I also have a gift to inspire, move, light up -people.  I think I need to use it more.

What is stopping me?  Sleep problems.  Money.  I need to have a secure job to pay my bills.

But man, really?

Ok – the sleep problems I am looking into.  I have someone who is supposed to follow up with me for a sleep study soon.  I read a pretty cool article here:

Whoa!  Check this out.  So I read this article the other day that inspired me to get a free sleep study.  I tried it.  I emailed all over the place asking for a sleep study and I got someone who is helping me.  All I have is the Google Cache – the WEBSITE has taken it down?  Now when you click on the link it goes to another article on how to get a good nights sleep.  If you are suffering from some sort of sleep problem, an article like that is useless.

So here’s what I’m gonna do, because I feel like it was so much of a good article it should be posted somewhere.  I am going to copy it into my blog and credit the author.  If he wants me to take it down later – cool, I will.  But that shit totally helped me, at least motivated me, to get the ball rolling and seek out a sleep study on my own, even though I could not afford it.  If I find later that they restore the article I will maybe remove mine.  🙂

Done and Done.  Where was I?

So the guy in the ally.  He has more than a headache.  He has no home.  No job.  And whenever I drive by him and ask, “How’s it goin?” he’s says, “I got up today!  I’m here!” and he’s happy about it.  I actually bought a bottle of Shout from him one night.  It coulda been mostly water for all I know but he was out there trying.  I can hear some business marketer saying, “Ya well he isn’t trying to his full potential because if he was he could do more with himself than sell trash out of a shopping cart.”  But I disagree.  The thing is we are all given a gift, BUT it is SUPER hard to find.

I have made a decision to follow my gift, my path, and I have no idea how I’m going to make it pay for my rent, buy my food, but then again – THAT’S the shit that stops me from following my path, and that’s the scary part.  It’s like, life wants to offer us this cool path.  It’s like the ‘Golden Path to Happiness’ (or the rainbow path or whatever color you want) but the problem is, it looks like shit.  It is scary to follow and most people never take that path.  I promise you.  Ask someone working in that cubicle what they wanted to do with their life.  Did they want to work in a cubicle?  DO they want to even now?  No, man!  They have dreams!  They have that happy place in their mind that they are trying to figure out how to get to.

I’m wondering – is that path blocked by illusions?  Is it blocked by smoke and mirrors.  It’s kinda like in those movies where…  Well take a look:

Is that metaphor?  Could that be a metaphor for all of our lives?  It’s fucking like, “Shit!  I’m gonna fall, if I go that way, into that deep dark pit!  Then I’ll be dead!  That sucks!  But look – over there on the other side is the thing that I REALLY want.  There are my dreams over there!  Maybe I’ll go look for a safer way around…”

But what if there isn’t one. (for the record, I was supposed to be in the scholastic olympics when I was in school for English Grammar.  I completely  understand the rules I break:  Run-on sentences, starting sentences with But or And, maybe even spelling words in ways I feel they make more sense, but that is the BEAUTY of art and to me writing is my art – so I will create!  Not that you were nitpicking but I really wanted to get that out since everytime I make one of those grammatical errors I make a mental note.  😉  What if there is no other path.  What if the key to taking your path is just going through the illusion and just going!  You might fall.  You may die.

Buh’hut – would you rather die after having tried and failed, OR would you rather play it safe, never find out and die old regretting that you never took a chance?

So here I am at that part in my life.  I could be a leasing agent.  I could sell apartments and then eventually get into apartment sales.  I live in Chicago and I am pretty much broke.  I moved here – why?  Because I liked cities. I do like it here, but I can’t say that I might not like somewhere else better.

Lyoto Machida
Following    lyotomachidafw Lyoto Machida
I’m just a regular guy that had a dream and ran for it.

And if I’m supposed to be following this dream and that dream takes me somewhere else, I mean, that sounds fucking exciting!  I have left and went to a few different places now with almost no money but I keep ending up not where I want to be.  I mean, I like it, I have fun.  I have met some amazing people and had some awesome experiences (thank you ladies – you know who you are!  ;p ) but I always manage to end up back here.  I always start writing and I want to keep writing.  I want to share.  I want to just write it down.

Do I wanna use my writing creatively?  Do I wanna use it to make screenplays?  I have thought about it.  But really I just like to write, adventure, experience, write.  I think if I were to do a screenplay I would want to do my first one along a successful screen play writer.  That is a TASK and not necessarily what I mean by, “I want to write.”  I just enjoy doing what I’m doing right now.  For all I know half the people reading this are like, “Fuck this shit!  What the hell is this guy rambling about?  What’s the point?”  Maybe not.  Maybe someone, somewhere can find something in all this blah blah that means something to them.

Maybe someone else will read this and be inspired to throw all the bullshit aside and follow their dreams too.  And if that happens?  My work here is DONE!  1 Person pulled from a life of meaningless blah and into a place where things start clicking …  I don’t even need to know about it.  You don’t have to write me a thankyou letter.  If you did, kick ass!  I will take it.  But a simple thanks for the audio tape I will review when I die will suffice.

So here I go.  My life experiment.  To see where following my deepest dreams take me.  I like writing and I think I am good at it.  Here we go!

(yes yes yes – I understand I didn’t address the other points.  Maybe later… 😉

Now go back up and click the word “shitty”.

Sidecar: