Ladies and Gentlemen, I did not write this post. I stole it from a cat and cohort in the world of seduction that I mentioned before in one of my posts, namely “Sometimes I Just Want to Play Video Games”. This post is directed at men, but in general has information that is phenomenal in my opinion for both men and women or anyone else interested in dating… (shrugging my shoulders)… Anyway, here we go!
Empathy, Emotional Intelligence, and Being Normal by James Amoureux
This last week got me thinking about how some people are so socially unaware that it impairs not just their luck with the ladies but their ability to function as “hyou-man bee-ings” at all.
An ex-girlfriend (let’s call her Mona) is husband shopping so she decided to turn to the internet and meet guys. She’s much too hot for this, but she’s so painfully shy and awkward around strangers, and she has no interest in fixing this, that she figures eHarmony and Match.com are better ways to land a man. She’s right BTW–if you want something more casual use POF or OK Cupid. Avoid craigslist. Yuck.
I help her sort out her screening criteria, fill in the profile, etc. because if she’s going to do this she might as well do it right. (For the record, I’m an equal opportunity advisor. I’m not on the side of the one with the dick. Guys should become the kind of men women crave, and girls should become the kind of women men deserve. Everything I do is meant to make guys and girls mutually happy.)
Anyway she met a guy (let’s call him Paul) she really clicked with and things were going great for a month or so. She’s mid-20s and he’s late 30s. His family thinks she’s great and vice-versa. So far so good.
Things get semi-serious and they go to an anniversary celebration for Paul’s parents and after saying their goodnights they leave the banquet area for their hotel room. They’ve both had a few drinks. When she gets to the bathroom she finds that her diamond stud is missing, so she says she’s going to retrace her steps to look for it. “No don’t worry I’ll get you a new one.” Fine, she says, and they start making out. After a bit he says, “By the way how much do you think a pair of earrings like that costs?” About $100 she tells him. “Oh bullshit! That’s like a $20 stud. Don’t you try to screw me!”
Some background about Paul: He’s loaded, his family’s loaded, and he’s divorced. His ex-wife soaked him for alimony so now he’s a jaded by gold-digging hoes and lying bitches. While his soreness is understandable, he seems to insist on casting Mona as a gold digger and a lying bitch. He seems to subscribe to this idea of collective responsibility that is he punishes this particular woman for the wrongs committed by some other woman and thus figures “all women are (name your slur).”
Mona told him then and there, “Hey I don’t appreciate that!” He blew it off and they went to sleep. That little remark shitcanned the evening and the next few days were tense, as he kept snarking with offhanded comments about “taking my money” and “screwing me over,” even though he tried to make it come across jokingly. Rather than defend herself she just kind of withdrew.
Now my inner Machiavellian says, “Hey if treating a girl like a bitch works, then go for it.” Here’s how it worked for him: after they got back from the anniversary weekend she “ran into an old fling” and started hooking up with him. Now she likes Paul despite how he treated her, because she sees qualities in him that turn her on (Type-A, go-getter, overconfident). But she has enough self-respect that she’ll walk away from abuse at this point. She’s not an insecure 20 year old anymore, and she’s looking for a relationship that can go somewhere.
She tells him to fuck off and for a month they don’t see each other. He persists, she relents, and eventually they catch up. Things are better but there’s still these snarky remarks about money that come up. (Think this guy has trust issues?) So figuring that he may be worth investing in, she takes my advice and delivers a very simple I-statement:
You know Paul, I feel insulted and abused when you make those snarky comments because it suggests you think I’m gold digging, and I’d like you to stop. If you don’t like me for me, that’s fine but if you treat me with contempt just because I’m around I’m not interested in seeing you.
She told me when she said this, it’s like a little gear clicked in Paul’s head. He hadn’t thought of it like that. He had, honest and true, thought that talking to her like she’s one of “dem bitches and greedy hoes” would somehow not affect her. He was just plain oblivious about how he came off.
As we talk about this I think about Paul, I think about my buddy in Florida who is having trouble connecting with women, I think about this guy I know who amps up the attraction but gets pissed and doesn’t understand why a girl who is otherwise down to fuck won’t come back to his place on the spot. The pervasive lack of empathy and absence of emotional intelligence is so common among America adult males that it’s almost the new normal (see http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=what-me-care).
I make this claim: empathy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy) and emotional intelligence(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence) are required to create a genuine connection with another person. Further, having excellent emotional awareness may not get you more pussy; however the lack of emotional smarts will ruin your experiences with women more often than not. It may not be enough, but without it you’re most likely pissing up a rope. Or you’re struggling to fuck girls you’ll never see again because they don’t “connect” with you–you two have no awareness of each other emotionally.
However emotional intelligence (also called EQ) can be learned. Being able to step into the shoes of another person and appreciate their subjective world takes work, but you can get better at it. EQ is mostly studied in psychology and business/management circles and you can take EQ assessments online (http://www.queendom.com/tests/access_page/index.htm?idRegTest=3037 among other places). The purpose of the assessment is to determine your current emotional intelligence, not to judge you as a whole person. Don’t let the assessment define you; let it inform you.
This isn’t about being a sensitive new-age pussy. It’s about being aware of and in control of your emotions rather than letting them control you (approach anxiety much?). In broad terms, EQ helps you:
* Understand your own emotional state to manage stress and anxiety
* Understand the emotional state of other people, to manage their stress and anxiety
* Communicate productively about personal or volatile issues
* Relate to people on their own terms, avoiding tedious miscommunication
If Paul had better EQ he would have seen that Mona was seriously offended by his insinuations that she was out for his money. Florida guy would recognize that he needs to spark a woman’s passion to feel (literally, fucking feel) a connection. Attraction guy would recognize that DTF girls can’t act on their feelings without a sense of safety and security.
With better EQ you “get” people. Your flakes go away. Life is better for everyone.
Ready for the sales pitch?
Well I don’t have a TantraLogic “Quit Being A Fucking Sociopath Already”TM 27 Hour DVD Set but smarter people than me have given this proper treatment. So if you want you can read these books to learn more:
Because the more emotionally savvy you are, the better you’ll do with the HU-MAN BE-INGS, including the FEMALES OF THE SPECIES.
Remember, if the women don’t find you handsome they should at least find you handy. Learn how people operate emotionally. Get in a woman’s head so you can get your hand down her pants.
You can find more of James at:
And of course his book: