What to Write About?

Sculpture of Bruce Lee at the Avenue of Stars,...

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It’s interesting how a person can trick themselves into not thinking they have anything to talk about or that they can’t think of anything to write about.  I just had a spotty conversation with a girl who was next to me in the coffeeshop, and she was giving me a shot.  She wanted to see what I was all about but my conversation was choppy.  I kept talking about crap topics.  And crap topics can be ok, if there is a flow.

But the point is, all around me there is stuff.  I am in Chicago; one of the Major Cities on this earth.  I am in Kickstand Coffeeshop.  They call it Kickstand Espresso Bar which, when I actually look, they have a bar type setup where they make the espresso. Not the regular espresso machine behind the counter or off in a corner with a service area like at Starbucks.  Yep, they have a bar and there are actually 3 people sitting up at the bar like it’s a real bar.  There are 2 old bicycles on the wall.  There is art on the walls; Battleships, Deathstar, Burlesque chick, things everywhere to talk about.  Things everywhere to write about; people, places, things.  Even now, as I write this I am more focused on what I am writing, whether it is any good or not instead of flowing like I usually do.

So welcome, to my expirament!  My purpose to to push past the cobwebs and break through to reality.  I think we all get like this sometimes.  Our minds are clouded with stuff that has nothing to do with what’s really going on in our reality and we miss all the cool shit happening right in front of our faces.  I’m sure I’m not the first person to point this out to you either.  We get so caught up in our work, or that thing that happened at work, or am I doing the right thing or what will something think if I do “THIS”, is this the right time, what will make the biggest impact, I don’t want to sound uncool.

My favorite times are when I flow, like Bruce Lee (like water), I flow.  I don’t think about what I’m doing and saying – I just do and say, and THOSE times are always the BEST times of my life.  I think my personal preference would to be like that all the time.  I will throw out some excuses and then examine each one.  These are my excuses right now as to why my conversation was shit with that girl and why I am not flowing today (even though – as I push forward – my writing is starting to f-l-oooo….wwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  Got to – push past!).

  • I had a shitty sleep day yesterday so I am recovering today.
  • I have a headache.
  • I’m not in the mood to talk to someone really.
  • I don’t know what to say.
  • How can I get her into bed?  I need to do the right thing…  (yes – most of you are new to my life since I have made it my mission to freestyle this blog but as we go along you will understand, I promise.  And my guess is – it will be a fun ride.  Alright – no more cheezy self-plugs 😉
So here we go.
  • I had a shitty sleep day yesterday so I am recovering today.

Well that’s EXACTLY why you should be enjoying the fuck out of today – SQUEEZE the juice out of life.  You Love talking to people and most of the time people like talking to you.  What kind of kickassness can you bring into someone else’s day?  How many memories do you have of lighting people up like a lightbulb?
  • I have a headache.

Cool so that means you can’t talk?  Don’t want to talk?  Well, I do want to talk to people.  It’s what I do best.  I am able.  So earlier today I say the guy in my ally.  I think of him as the Bazaar merchant.  He’s a homeless guy with only 1 hand.  He has a shopping cart, but it is not filled with his belongings.  No man, he’s always got stuff to sell.  Where does he get it?  From the Trash.  It’s stuff people throw out, and I know this because I saw him going through the trash.  Now some people will knock that shit.  They will say, “fucking bum going through the trash!”  But man, look.  Some people do marketing online.  Some people do real estate.

You know what I was doing for the past year?  Making money off free shit.  How?  I was a leasing agent for real estate.  Technically I still should be but my brain is shouting to follow my dreams.  And then I come across writings like this guy’s that screw me up even more: http://wayneelise.com/2011/07/fat-captain-america.html

What I mean by “screw up” is that I have been doing some serious thinking.  You may already know if you are reading this or you may not.  So I feel like I have a gift.  I know writing is one of them.  I know exploring is another.  I know Travelling is another.  I know I also have a gift to inspire, move, light up -people.  I think I need to use it more.

What is stopping me?  Sleep problems.  Money.  I need to have a secure job to pay my bills.

But man, really?

Ok – the sleep problems I am looking into.  I have someone who is supposed to follow up with me for a sleep study soon.  I read a pretty cool article here:

Whoa!  Check this out.  So I read this article the other day that inspired me to get a free sleep study.  I tried it.  I emailed all over the place asking for a sleep study and I got someone who is helping me.  All I have is the Google Cache – the WEBSITE has taken it down?  Now when you click on the link it goes to another article on how to get a good nights sleep.  If you are suffering from some sort of sleep problem, an article like that is useless.

So here’s what I’m gonna do, because I feel like it was so much of a good article it should be posted somewhere.  I am going to copy it into my blog and credit the author.  If he wants me to take it down later – cool, I will.  But that shit totally helped me, at least motivated me, to get the ball rolling and seek out a sleep study on my own, even though I could not afford it.  If I find later that they restore the article I will maybe remove mine.  🙂

Done and Done.  Where was I?

So the guy in the ally.  He has more than a headache.  He has no home.  No job.  And whenever I drive by him and ask, “How’s it goin?” he’s says, “I got up today!  I’m here!” and he’s happy about it.  I actually bought a bottle of Shout from him one night.  It coulda been mostly water for all I know but he was out there trying.  I can hear some business marketer saying, “Ya well he isn’t trying to his full potential because if he was he could do more with himself than sell trash out of a shopping cart.”  But I disagree.  The thing is we are all given a gift, BUT it is SUPER hard to find.

I have made a decision to follow my gift, my path, and I have no idea how I’m going to make it pay for my rent, buy my food, but then again – THAT’S the shit that stops me from following my path, and that’s the scary part.  It’s like, life wants to offer us this cool path.  It’s like the ‘Golden Path to Happiness’ (or the rainbow path or whatever color you want) but the problem is, it looks like shit.  It is scary to follow and most people never take that path.  I promise you.  Ask someone working in that cubicle what they wanted to do with their life.  Did they want to work in a cubicle?  DO they want to even now?  No, man!  They have dreams!  They have that happy place in their mind that they are trying to figure out how to get to.

I’m wondering – is that path blocked by illusions?  Is it blocked by smoke and mirrors.  It’s kinda like in those movies where…  Well take a look:

Is that metaphor?  Could that be a metaphor for all of our lives?  It’s fucking like, “Shit!  I’m gonna fall, if I go that way, into that deep dark pit!  Then I’ll be dead!  That sucks!  But look – over there on the other side is the thing that I REALLY want.  There are my dreams over there!  Maybe I’ll go look for a safer way around…”

But what if there isn’t one. (for the record, I was supposed to be in the scholastic olympics when I was in school for English Grammar.  I completely  understand the rules I break:  Run-on sentences, starting sentences with But or And, maybe even spelling words in ways I feel they make more sense, but that is the BEAUTY of art and to me writing is my art – so I will create!  Not that you were nitpicking but I really wanted to get that out since everytime I make one of those grammatical errors I make a mental note.  😉  What if there is no other path.  What if the key to taking your path is just going through the illusion and just going!  You might fall.  You may die.

Buh’hut – would you rather die after having tried and failed, OR would you rather play it safe, never find out and die old regretting that you never took a chance?

So here I am at that part in my life.  I could be a leasing agent.  I could sell apartments and then eventually get into apartment sales.  I live in Chicago and I am pretty much broke.  I moved here – why?  Because I liked cities. I do like it here, but I can’t say that I might not like somewhere else better.

Lyoto Machida
Following    lyotomachidafw Lyoto Machida
I’m just a regular guy that had a dream and ran for it.

And if I’m supposed to be following this dream and that dream takes me somewhere else, I mean, that sounds fucking exciting!  I have left and went to a few different places now with almost no money but I keep ending up not where I want to be.  I mean, I like it, I have fun.  I have met some amazing people and had some awesome experiences (thank you ladies – you know who you are!  ;p ) but I always manage to end up back here.  I always start writing and I want to keep writing.  I want to share.  I want to just write it down.

Do I wanna use my writing creatively?  Do I wanna use it to make screenplays?  I have thought about it.  But really I just like to write, adventure, experience, write.  I think if I were to do a screenplay I would want to do my first one along a successful screen play writer.  That is a TASK and not necessarily what I mean by, “I want to write.”  I just enjoy doing what I’m doing right now.  For all I know half the people reading this are like, “Fuck this shit!  What the hell is this guy rambling about?  What’s the point?”  Maybe not.  Maybe someone, somewhere can find something in all this blah blah that means something to them.

Maybe someone else will read this and be inspired to throw all the bullshit aside and follow their dreams too.  And if that happens?  My work here is DONE!  1 Person pulled from a life of meaningless blah and into a place where things start clicking …  I don’t even need to know about it.  You don’t have to write me a thankyou letter.  If you did, kick ass!  I will take it.  But a simple thanks for the audio tape I will review when I die will suffice.

So here I go.  My life experiment.  To see where following my deepest dreams take me.  I like writing and I think I am good at it.  Here we go!

(yes yes yes – I understand I didn’t address the other points.  Maybe later… 😉

Now go back up and click the word “shitty”.


Life While Asleep

Example of dark circles

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Today is another wasted day in my life. I am lying here on my bed writing this after having just eaten tater tots and a sausage and egg biscuit from Dollar Tree. Or was it Family Dollar? I have really no idea because to get there to purchase food that would be super easy to prepare and that would shut up my cravings for bad food I had to go forth to the store in a Zombie Haze. I went to bed last night about 2am. I had to really just get to sleep, because I knew today I would wake up and have some issues.

I have some sort of sleep problem. I’m not sure what it is yet, but am hoping to find out soon enough. You see, I would love to just go get tested to see what’s happening with me, but it costs a lot of money to get tests and treatment. I’m not going to turn this into a sob story. Here’s what is happening in my life right now. I am having, on my days where I do get enough sleep, this wonderful appreciation of life that is growing upon me. I am coming to the conclusion that much of my life is being wasted (unfairly?) on this sleep deprivation issue and that during the times where I have energy; I need to use my life wisely and to the fullest, embracing every moment and discovering who I am; and what I am here for.

…Which is kind of a scary thought right now because it has literally pulled me away from my job that I had as a leasing agent in Chicago. My thoughts are, I am NOT a sales guy. Sales killed my father, literally. It made him a miserable wreck for years and wore him down and then eventually, 3 days after a major deal he worked on for 2 years fell apart, he had a massive hard attack and died.

I had never seen him like that, the day I came home to see him. He needed to talk to me, he said, and when I saw him he was shaking, and crying. He said he didn’t know what to do. All his fucking dreams of retirement, and finally catching up on his debt and being able to finally settle down, crushed by some corporate fuckface (or group there of) who decided that his work wasn’t good enough, or relevant to their plans or whatever happens in the corporate world.

I should have stayed around and kept watch but I did not. It was getting on Valentines day and I had a girlfriend who was beckoning for my attention. I went to her instead, and when he needed me most – I let him down and he died.

And now here I am, living my life half asleep. Days like today I can accomplish nothing. I just got a call from someone who wanted to schedule a showing on one of my rental properties and I played it off, told him I would get back to him, having no intention of doing so. That sucks too. I have my rent piling up. I am 2 months behind at this point. I quit my last job at a rental company here in Chicago because of creative differences. I fully intended to start working at another company that recruited me, but the problem is, things have sort of went down hill since then and for one reason or another I have had my sleep deprivation kicking up again, reminding me that life is short; and startlingly enough Killing off my drive to work in Real Estate.

I feel like there is some other reason I am here. Not to be, as so many people have referred to me over the last few months, “a salesman”. I abhor the title. “Ronnie, the thing “so-and-so” said is that maybe it’s because you’re so much of a salesman that….”


“You’re such a good salesman that people are making decisions before they really even know what’s happening.”


“You’re not my brother, you’re just a salesman!”

That last one was with a landlord who’s property I had rented out a year ago. I was negotiating with him over another listing he was going to give to me, before the switch from one company to the next, and he said those words to me on the phone. i was so pissed when I heard that, I basically killed the deal at that point and told him nevermind without telling him to go fuck himself, which, before my time as a leasing agent, I probably would have.

It killed me inside to hear someone refer to me as that. It was good to hear people telling me I was good at something but it was NOT good to hear that I was a good salesman. And then yesterday I had, what I am starting to call, an “energy day”. Energy Days are days which are probably normal to you. They are your everyday day. But to me they are fucking GOLD! I am starting to relish them. I am writing this right now excited at the prospect that tomorrow I might wake up and have some energy and be able to go out and do something constructive with my life.

I think this could be one of those mixed blessings. I really hope so, because I am frightened a little that soon I will be out of house and home – but I am simultaneously having dreams of returning to Key West and sleeping on the beach until I discover whatever the hell it is my mind is trying to formulate for me right now. My last couple sleep days have been pounded with Visuals of returning to Key West and I just might hit the road when I get my final $1000 from my last job. Maybe there is a better place to go. I love writing and I love women and I love… Oh you know what? Winter is almost here and I also love skiing. Maybe I need to do the opposite. I could imagine myself working at some ski resort doing a job there too, but – well, I’m not exactly in my 20s anymore and I really need to find my path in life. I really feel like I have so much potential that is being wasted.

Which brings me back to the point. My wish, right now, is that somehow I can get treated for whatever sleep condition ales me. That I can find out what it is that is causing it and get some treatment that will make my “energy days” my normal days.

Some shittier news: (LOL Trust me when I say this is not going to be some depressing, shitty blog where I whine and complain. There are, and will be, so many more good times that I will share i the future.) My dog is old as fuck and half-blind and senile. He is prone to fits of growling, barking like he wants to kill and snapping. He has bit me a couple times, once really hard. I love him, and yea, yea, yea I know some people reading this will be like, “Well you should put him down if he’s old and biting.” Trust me, the thought has crossed my mind. But the other thoughts that cross my mind are how he has been my buddy, been there with me since he’s been alive. I’ve been with him longer than any girl I’ve dated. Actually he’s been around through several girls I’ve dated, and I still see part of his nice side coming out. He’s there. He loves me. He wants to be petted and hugged and I can snap him out of his frenzies if I can get to him before he tears my hand off.

I mean, maybe I can tolerate him more because I know what it is to live life with some sort of thing that makes life suck from time to time. At most times in my life there have been something wrong with me that have tore me up either physically or emotionally and through all of them I have persevered. So my buddy, despite his issues, deserves a little leeway. Hopefully he doesn’t kill me or I kill him because of it, but I have a feeling that in life, things do turn out happy in the end. I still, despite all the bullshit I have had beat the shit out of me in my life, feel that there is still a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; that there is a happy ending at the end of the fairy tale. I’ll find mine.