I Miss You Mr Poop

In Chicago today beautiful outside.  It’s still a little chilly, but it’s sunny, people are out having fun, playing, living life and…  Some are walking their dogs.

I just threw a little fit.  Days like this are hard for me.  I’m writing this with tears in my eyes because I don’t know who to turn to, talk to, or where I can vent.  So I turned to my blog.

The thing is, Mr Poop, my best buddy probably ever, was put down by yours truly a couple years back.  I wrote about it in the article “Try Not to Bite me Mr Poop” which was me trying to figure out what to do.  I took him in one day, took him to McDonald’s and gave him a couple cheeseburgers.  He ate them excitedly without knowing that would be his last meal.  I took him to the place where they put dogs down in Chicago, the Anti-Cruelty Society.  Funny name for a place that will allow you to take your dog there and have him put to death for free.

But Poop was either Senile of fucked up because he was blind and scared and angry because of it.  I tried for months to deal with it.  I went through 3 bites from him, hard bites.  It was SO fucking hard because he had moments where he was his sweet, old self, and other moments where, out of the blue, he would get pissed off, start growling, and he would lunge or bite or snap.

I’m a barbarian motherfucker.  Let’s face it.  You hurt me, I hurt back.  And I was getting scared because I would get so fucking mean to him back I would literally beat the piss out of him.  Literally.  I fucking scared the shit out of myself a few times thinking I was going to kill him.

I didn’t want to kill him, but I was going to kill him if I didn’t kill him.  What kind of fucking bullshit life choice is that?  This was my best friend ever.  He was sweet, old, scared and I was the one who was supposed to protect him.  I was the one who was supposed to give him love and make him feel safe.

But I betrayed him.

I killed him anyway.

I watched the life drain out of him right in front of me.  This was my “protection” that I gave to that innocent fucking angel of a dog.

And to make matters worse I tried to work my ass off to make ends meet for the last 2 or 3 years of his life.  What did that do?  I worked for that MOTHERFUCKING STUPID Real Estate piece of shit job, and my Poor fucking Mr Poop was locked up in my fucking studio apartment during the summer months when I should have been there, walking him outside, doing fun things with him, giving him love.

But all I did was work work work work work, and left that poor little guy alone most of the time in his last days.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Fuck work.  Fuck that shit!  I can’t go back and do it all over again and it tortures me.  I fucked up and I can’t fix it.

So right now, I see someone walking their dog and I feel sad as fuck.  Now he’s gone and all I want is another chance.

If you are reading this, and you have a dog, and you treat him like shit. . . You neglect him.  FUCK YOU you piece of shit.  That dog has a life, has feelings, needs fucking love.  It’s relying on YOU to provide that.

Thank God, I was always able to feed him.  That’s once consolation, I tell myself.  Another is that at least he had a decent place to stay.  But who wants to be alone all the fucking time?  I just want to hug him again.

God I’ve dealt with so much fucking death in my life.  3 Dogs I loved dearly, walking into my father’s house one morning to find him purple faced and dead in his bed, death, death, death fucking everywhere.

I am RELYING on a heaven.  I am RELYING that there is an afterlife and I am RELYING that I can see my loved ones again and hold them and hug them and tell them I’m sorry I was a fucking piece of shit and wasn’t there for them when they needed me.  That’s if, of course, I rate and make it in there.

Meanwhile I don’t know what to do.  I feel sad inside sometimes when I think about all this stuff.  The father who Died 3 days after he had a business deal that he worked on for a couple years, the one that was going to set him up for retirement, fell through.

What did I do?  I should have stayed there with him but I had a particularly bitchy girlfriend at the time, and she wanted me to go hang out with her and her shitty friends for Valentines day.

I did that.  I went with her.  And the last time I spoke to my father was through Nextel where he was drunk, asked me to come home and get him some food.  I told him I loved him and I would see him tomorrow.

I did see him tomorrow – he was dead.

And then when I was 14 or 15 and I let my Dog Belvedere outside to go to the bathroom.  I was listening to Beastie Boys loud on the stereo, and I kept calling my dog after a few minutes, but he wasn’t coming back.  He had a tendency to be an alpha motherfucker and would go on long walkabouts.  I think he was gone for 2 weeks once, and finally we found him all beat up, but walking tall with a female dog following him.

But this time, when I thought he was maybe doing the same thing, he actually has slipped into our in-ground pool.  I was the only one home.  I didn’t hear him.  But imagine when I went outside looking for him and calling for him and I just so happened to glance in the pool and see him floating there.  I pulled him out as fast as I could.  He wasn’t breathing.

I called 911 and asked them how I could get him breathing again.  Frantic and in tears I didn’t believe he was dead.  I couldn’t believe it.

And there was Poor Socrates.  I think he lived a long life.  I wont get into the specifics but also, I watched him die right in front of me and that’s another situation I blame myself for.

Ok no, fuck it.  You can think I’m horrible because I do.  He was pissing all over.  I got mad and wanted to punish him because he was supposed to know better.

I beat him with a phone book.  I didn’t think it was that hard.  But all of a sudden a couple minutes later he started walking funny, his back legs seemed to stop working, and he died.  So ya.  That was me.  I think I killed him, maybe gave him a heart attack.

My dad was still alive at the time.  He was in the room when it happened.  Said it wasn’t my fault.

Bullshit.  It was my fault.  I gave the poor guy a heart attack and killed him.  Maybe he was peeing because he was already feeling sick, you know, like losing control of his bodily functions.

Christ, I would ask for forgiveness but how can I ask when I can’t even forgive myself.

My dad and my dogs. I blame myself for all of them being dead.  In every case I should have been better.  I should have been there to rescue Belvedere.  I can imagine him waiting for me to pull him out of the pool like we would when he jumped in when we were swimming.  And I failed him.

My dad, all alone during one of the most crushing defeats of his career.  Instead of being there for him I left him all alone.  Mr Poop, same thing –  no wonder he went senile.

I try to tell myself things like, “At least I was there for my dad during his last days.  At least the last words I said to him were, “I love you.”

At least Mr Poop, for the most part, had a pretty awesome life.  He was with my dad on LONG car rides every day until my father passed away, where they would go to the lake, go to the waterfall near our home, go for walks, he was spoiled.  And even when I had him we went to Key West, did long walks there, lived in Ferndale – ya, you know what?  I could have been better, but I didn’t totally neglect him.

Most of the time I would come home and the FIRST thing I would do is grab him, slam him on the bed playfully (he loved it) and rub his belly, hug him, kiss him, squish his face.  Even in Chicago I would at least get him out when I could.  He had plenty of sunlight in the studio apartment, and I think he was old enough where he may not have cared as much that he slept alot.  However, that’s no excuse.  I should have been there alot more for him.

Belvedere lived the life of a badass, but it was cut short.  He got laid, he kicked other dogs asses, he played with us, and had a lot of fun.  But again, I let him down in the worst way possible.

Socrates.  He had a good life too, I think he was just spoiled.  He was chill and relaxed and lived a good life, riding in a Model T at parades with my dad, long car rides, etc…  But dammit he didn’t deserve to go the way he did.

I dug his grave.  I buried him.  I sat next to his grave and cried and cried and cried.

How many graves?  How many deaths?  How many times does my heart have to break and be filled with guilt that I failed?

So today I vent.  Mr Poop’s end was not a happy one.  On this blog one of the most popular articles was about Mr Poop.

Today, I was reminded of him a couple times.

And now…  Sometimes I just hope I live a good enough life to see them all again.


And You Thought I Was Gone Forever? (And Libra Mix #4)

Ninja Tune XX piece

Ninja Tune XX piece (Photo credit: Chu’s your weapon)

I have stories, and more stories, and things that have been happening that I would have liked to share, but I just spent the last 2 or three months without a laptop.  And perhaps there are a couple of you that missed me.  I mean, I have followers.  I don’t know if my followers just follow for fun, and have a list of 30 or 40 other blogs they follow, so that when I post something my posts just get lost in the large influx of emails about new blog posts they get in their box, OR if they are like, “This Ronnie motherfucker is a cool cat, and I like reading his LONG, run-on sentences that likely don’t have enough commas in them.”

I know I do get more and more followers.  Maybe I don’t get the comments I would like.  I wanted this blog to be interactive, but then again, I also seem to be a little controversial and have been told that many people may read my blog in secret.  That’s cool with me.

Anyway, let’s talk about something important.

The Libra Mix…  I should have posted this a long time ago.  I honestly feel that anyone that listens to this will like it.  It’s really that good.  It’s a mix by Coldcut from 2006.  This is a classic as far as I’m concerned.

If you look at the tracklist for this 2 hour mix you will see everything from AC/DC “Back in Black”, to Lou Reed “Take a Walk on the Wild Side”, to Eric B and Rakim “I No U Got Soul”, to Bjork “HIdden Place”, with more from Beasty Boys, Iggy Pop & the Stooges, Franz Ferdinand, KRS ONE, Method Man, and a whole host of others.  In other words it’s ALL OVER the place and in a Very Very Good way.  This mix Owns!  Enjoy this mix and I’ll see about putting down some stories on this here blog, and tying up some of the loose ends I’ve left as well…  Cheers!

(Hints: Seduction (including one Fitness Chick), Bartending, Following Your Dreams, Mr Poop, More Music, Mixology, and more…)

Adam F 'Unknown' (White Label)
Will I Am 'Who Am I?' (White Label)
DJ Vadim 'The Terrorist' (Ninjatune)
Supercat 'Don Dada' (Wild Apache)
Kenny Dope 'Don dada' (Big Beat)
Lou Reed 'Walk On The Wild Side' (RCA)
Tribe Called Quest 'Can I Kick It?' (Jive)
Mr Scruff 'Trouser Jazz' (Ninjatune)
The Party Party.com 'Imagine' (Mp3)
Sweet Tee 'It's My Beat' (Edel)
KRS ONE 'Dope Beat' (Big Daddy)
AC/DC 'Back In Black' ( Atlantic )
Harry Hall 'Teddy Bears' Picnic' (White Label)
KRS ONE 'Sound Of Da Police' (Jive)
Lumidee 'Never Leave' (Universal)
Eric B & Rakim 'I No U Got Soul' ( Island )
Eric B & Rakim 'Paid In Full' ( Island )
Zebra Breaks 'Unknown' (White Label)
ColdCut 'Smoke This One' (Big Life)
The Soul Searchers 'Ashley's Roachclip' (Alpha Omega)
Playschool 'Bang On A Drum' (BBC)
Disco 3 'Stick Em' (White Label)
Cutty Ranks 'The Stopper' (Fashion)
Slim 'It's In The Mix' (Epic)
Method Man 'Release Yo Delf (Prodigy Remix)'
Saul Williams 'Not In Our Name' (Ninjatune)
Rare Earth 'I Am Losing You' (EMI)
Jeremy Stieg 'Howlin' For July' (Blue Note)
Beastie Boys 'Sure Shot' (Capitol)
The Majesticons 'Suburb Party' (Big Dada)
Tickle 3 'I Got What U Need' (White Label)
DJ Z Trip 'Listen To The DJ' ( Hollywood )
The Invada 'Showtime' (White Label)
J Roc 'Dirty Fingered B-Boy' (Ninjatune)
Part 2 'One Of Dem Days' (Big Dada)
Yummy 'It's Good To You' (White Label)
Harmonic 33 'The Shape Shifter' (Warp)
Pizzy Yelliot 'Could You Be Loved (Disco)'
Harmonic 33 'Funky Duck' (Warp)
ColdCut 'Mr Nicholls' (Ninjatune)
McKay 'Takin Over' (White Label)
Dave & Ansel Collins 'Double Barrel' (Trojan)
Philorene 'Bola' (Organico)
Antipop Consortium '38303' (Antipop)
Ganja Crew 'Super Sharp Shooter' (Ganja)
Wayne Smith 'Sleng Teng' (Greensleeves)
Junior Reid 'One Blood' (Big Life)
Krust 'Warhead' (Full Cycle)
Slymoo 'Police & Thieves' (Arista)
Coldcut 'Everything's Under Control' (Ninjatune)
Coldcut 'Revolution' (Ninjatune)
Cane 'Grand Old Party Mix' (White Label)
Sunra Arkestra 'Yahyahs Resonance FM Rap' (Continue To Explore)
Baba Brooks 'Twilight Zone' (Proper)
Sandra Melody and Diplo 'Newsflash' (Big Dada)
Temperance 7 'Charley My Boy' ( Lake )
Crazy Titch vs Coldcut '1 hr To Make This' (White Label)
Lee Sratch Perry 'Cloak And Dagger' (BE)
Franz Ferdinand 'This Fire' (Domino)
King Tubby 'Base Dub' (Music Club)
Alan Watts 'Listen' (White Label)
Bjork 'Hidden Place' (One Little Indian)
The Congos 'Open Up The Gates Of Zion ' (Go-Feet)
King Tubbys 'Confusion Dub' (Snapper)
Son Kite 'Other Side' (Tribal Tribe)
Iggy Pop & Stooges 'Down On The Street' (Elektra)


The Gift

Theme Song of the Day:

(I hate when they disable embedding…)


Super fucking tired. Last night I did not sleep until morning.  It’s not quite as bad as it sounds, because I was reading stuff.  I have a lot of excitement about this new path of mine, but…

Well I stayed up way early and I am pretty sure Mr Poop came in to my room in the morning throwing a fit.  Nope, I still have not put him down.  He’s not ready.  Call me stupid but he’s not.  He gets scared when he can’t find me.  That is what I have come to the conclusion of.  The smell is not apparently helping.

Also, we just went for a walk and sat on the corner here:

I’m in a sort of Zombie Daze today.  Crappy  sleep makes me into one.  My writing may turn out funny because I am still in said daze.  Yet I write.

I was sitting there with Mr Poop clearing my mind, probably looking to passers by like some weird schizophrenic dude.  I happened to be reciting Sedona Method releases in my head.  I realized I have been clouded over by a bunch of shit recently (you can go back and click the Sedona Stuff if you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about).  So as these thoughts arose in my mind from the environment around me I would release on them.  I had already done this in the shower earlier and added a round of EFT.

Man, I really feel like Leasing was a fucking Life Drainer.  I stopped doing so much of the shit I love, including Yelp Reviews.

Yelp kind of became my enemy, because leasing was fucking up my head.  This is the kind of feedback I would get from WRITING yelp reviews before I stopped due to the overwhelming schedule of my ex-leasing job:

You’re Cool    3/4/2010
Photo of GINA H.

For your review of: The Vagabond


You’re Funny    12/27/2009
Photo of Ruth L.
  • 29friends
  • 15reviews

For your review of: Ferndale Foods

This Ferndale Foods review is the best. Perfect characterization of that dump — top notch!

Thank You    8/8/2010
Photo of chris r.

For your review of: Mam’s Best Food

awesome review of Mams

Hot Stuff    10/1/2009
Photo of janelle w.

For your review of: Mary J’s Unicorn Cafe

Fancy seeing one of my fave Detroit yelpers writing in Knoxville!  I go to Knoxville several times a year for work, so I keep up with the reviews there pretty regularly.

Are you there on vacation?  And birthday?  Happy birthday!

Pages of these compliments and going through them just now, despite the emotionlessness in my head right now, made me smile inside.  And this fucking troll of a job took up so much time and energy I stopped and soon I actually got a message from someone, who appeared to join yelp for the sole purpose of sending me this message:

Write More    2/6/2011
Photo of R P.
  • 0friends
  • 0reviews

I know you must have a lot of other commitments and social activities that take away time from your Yelp reviews but I can’t take it anymore…you have to write another review. It’s like coffee in the morning and I’ve started getting headaches from your absence so please think of the little guys and prioritize!

And I wanted to get back to writing.  I did, but I had the vampire industry of leasing and real estate sucking the life-blood out of me, killing my passion.  It’s funny.  Before I went into leasing there were so many things I did, and I even had a personality that drew people to me and inspired those around me. I still do, but I started to slowly lose it.  As a matter of fact, I was encouraged by my peers and my manager to become something else on a daily basis, something less.  Something more – drone like.

I would have these great big fights with my manger over there, mostly over my “attitude” and that having this sort of ability to be blunt, honest and to the point about things; to speak my mind and be myself – that was all Bad!  That kind of stuff had no place in that industry.

I feel bad for the poor guy too.  He was an artist at one time.  He had the dream inside.  Maybe he still does.  But he lost it.  He let the pseudo-corporate blood sucking parasitic industry that real estate can be kill off most of his hopes and dreams a short while ago.   I feel he even changed for the worse over the year and a few months that I was there working.  Maybe he still has some of it left buried away somewhere.  Maybe lots of people are guilty of that.

So now, since I have quit, I can feel the inspiration slowly coming back.  (I should start calling it something different like “the flow” or “the itis” or something.  I am open to suggestions.)  Before I was doing the Sedona on the Corner I felt like shit. I was wearing some basketball shorts and a Morressey T-Shirt I got at a very cool concert I saw in Ann Arbor.

That was a good time.  I met a chick there who tried to seduce me.  She was HOT and Egyptian.  And on our first date, after that after talking dirty with her at the dinner table for about 20 minutes, I also found out she was Married.  If I was a fucker face I would have went for it, but I tend to have a sense of Chivalry.

I don’t know why that is.  I assumed if I’m good to others Karma will be good to me.  I think in some what it is, and has been, but with women it has always been funny.  I go out of my way thinking, you know.  I wouldn’t want some dude fucking with my girl and trying to snake her from me when I wasn’t around.  If I feel that way perhaps Karma will reward me in kind.

Funny thing is, it doesn’t work out that way sometimes.  I have this psychic ability that seems to tell me whenever girls are being dishonest behind my back.  I figured that when girls have the boyfriends or husbands that, up until now, I would be the nice guy and let them be square and move one.  I think that could change as of 2 days ago.

Again, some fuckwad opportunist had taken advantage of a girl of mine.  It was a girl I left in the Keys, who I had considered my favorite girl ever.  I decided to move to Chicago to go find my fortune.  She liked me – a lot.  She called me and introduced over time, 2 topics.  The first was the concept of seeing where this relationship was going.  The second concept she brought up to me was that she wanted to move to Chicago with me.

I was totally down with this.  I’m not usually that easy.  I can get bored pretty quickly with women.  I don’t mean to.  Sometimes they get bored with me.  Sometimes they just figure I’m Mr Smooth player they can just fuck-n-run.  Whatever the case.  She was a girl I was all about doing the Long Term deal with.

I will be the first to say I am not about  the long distance thing.  But with her I figured it was a temporary thing.  She really expressed some beautiful things to me over time.  She told me I helped her learn that she was beautiful and sexy.  I watched her evolve into a confident, beautiful creature.  I mean she already was in the first place but I have a Gift.  I will talk about that later.

She would text me from time to time and tell me how amazing I was as a person.  I was in Chicago and I really felt like there were times I would have walked from the Leasing thing, but I figured I was trying to build something for her and I when she got here.

And then one day I came across this:

Distance – Click to play 😉

And I lost…  I can’t remember what the girl said, but it was along the lines that she was not feeling it anymore.  It’s just a game right?  Except I have had the pleasure of being tuned into a deeper reality since I was very young.  I do not believe in coincidence.  Neither does Deepak Chopra.  I actually felt pissed that I lost.  I told myself, “Fuck that.  You’re being stupid.  It’s a game.”

But I got that gnawing feeling inside, just for a bit.

I think it was some days later that the buzz started.  I had that buzz in the past and it had never been wrong.  Not about Jobs, Not about Friends, not about Girls. . .  I can’t kick this feeling when it hits.  I hate that feeling.  I know it’s right when I get it and every single time I’m like, “fuck you feeling!”

Experts say that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator of a cheatinglover. Adultery statistics state that 85% of woman who feel their lover ischeating are correct. 50% of men who feel their lover is cheating are right. The first clue is seldom obvious. Typically, it’s a “feeling” that something is different.

And it was when I was checking out her facebook and happened upon some posts that were pretty innocent between her and some dude.  Of course there was a picture of her on his motorcycle on his facebook.  Smiling.  A couple pictures of her at a bonfire at his house.  She had been telling me about these cool bonfires she was going to.

I’m not jealous.  And besides, the guy was a nerdy fat guy. “She’s kind of a nerd, Ronnie,” said my mind in response.  A Herd I guess.  A Hot nerd.   But they had some shit in common about Family Guy and some other shit.  I’m not sure what else.  Must have been something.

But like I said, I’m not a jealous dude, and still that fat piece of shit kept popping into my head and I knew it.  I was like, “If he hasn’t gotten to her yet it’s in his plans.”  And then…  Her grandfather died.

And soon after, though I tried to support her from a distance, I was not there in person.  Guess who was?  Mr Fat, Nerd, Opportunist.  And what did he say, “I’m here for you.  If I were your boyfriend I would come down here and hold you and be here for you.”

Something like that.  I’m close, I promise that.  So he swooped in when she was vulnerable, and because she did not have experience with slimy guys in the past she fell for it.  Soon she basically related to me that she wanted to call it off…  She had no idea, and probably still doesn’t, that I knew about this guy.  She really didn’t have any solid reasons.  It seemed that all the stuff she loved about me was the exact stuff she told me she didn’t like about me anymore.  I think she actually said something like that.  I figured it was a momento mori.

But then, one day…

…when you least expect it, “The great adventure finds you!” Ron’s sudden death was the catalyst for everything.

Deborah told me later that it had been like a wake-up call for her. What people used to call: “The memento mori”. Ron’s massive coronary had reminded her that life was just too short to waste any chance of true happiness.

And his death that helped her to put everything in perspective. 

~ Men Who Stare At Goats

Now I know I was not completely right.  I do think I was half right.  Fucking Facebook . . .  We had a break up date where we went to Las Vegas for a week (we had it planned before the break up) and during that time I dropped a hint at her about some dude on facebook.  I don’t even remember the conversation or the context, but she paused and said, “What guy?” and I knew.  But it didn’t stop us from the usual awesomeness we had when we were together.  The Adventure, The Lovemaking, The time during the  concert we went to see when she said, “There you go, turning on the charm again.”

All that was still there but she kept reverting to some other self I had not seen before and I could not snap her out of it.  It was already done.  But that’s cool.  I’m not writing this because I’m mad, or not over it or whatever.  Actually, my friend Houston gave me the best advice concerning girls cheating or pulling shit like this a long time ago when we were in our early twenties.

I accidentally stole a girl from him.  I swear it was an accident.  But when I was like, “dude.  I’m sorry.”  He gave me the best advice ever.

He said, “If I’m going to Marry a girl, and you can fuck her on my wedding day, You just did me a Huge favor because now I know what type of girl she really is.”

And once they do it once it will happen again.

My point in all this after that massive tangent is, Why am I always trying to be the good guy in all of this?  Why don’t I just swoop in and take other dude’s chicks?  It’s starting to get tempting. . .  Trust me when I say I could.  There was a girl at the coffeeshop I was at the other day.  During my flirt she had told me she had a boyfriend, but that did not stop the vibe.  I didn’t push it either, maybe a little but not a lot.  But then when she was leaving I said, “you know what?  Why don’t we go have a “night that never happened.” and go have some drinks and see what we can see.

She stopped.  Her eyes went up and to the right.  She thought about it.  She was smiling.  Then, smiling, she said no but walked off with a huge glow.  I usually would never do that.  But thanks to others, maybe I will start.  I dunno…

Let’s fastforward back to my earlier point, sitting on the corner of Clark and Belmont…  So before the releasing of the Sedona Session I felt like shit.  People would even look at me a little strange and I might try to smile but I could not.   Soon after I asked a question to myself.  I was thinking about who people are; their Identities.  A couple examples of people popped into my mind.  I can’t remember who they are right now.  All I know is I asked myself, “Well then, what am I?”

“You’re a Shaman.” was the thought that immediately popped into my mind.  This is not the first time I have had that thought.  (I may even know my animal totem…  I think I have a couple.  Crows, and then last night I met another one maybe, a rabbit.  I have always loved the concept of the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, seeming like it’s always in a hurry and on it’s way to who knows where, but always leading her deeper…  But I haven’t had any visions to confirm that yet.)

Thats when I got up and started walking back toward my apartment.  That whole time Poop had been chill and as quiet as a church mouse.  People around started smiling when I passed.  I had a grin on my face.  Someone complimented me on my beautiful dog.  I felt better all of a sudden  (all except my sleep-zombie mode, but that was kind of pushed to the backdrop).  I went and got a Frozen Yogurt at Forever Yogurt and I felt good.

I always wanted to have a vision.  Instead I have super interesting dreams, but I do not remember most of them unless they are super important.  I will get into all the Shaman blah blah in another post maybe.  Next time I am tired and loopy, perhaps.

Maybe now.  I’m not sure yet.  But I will say this.  I have a gift.  I always have had this gift; to inspire people.  How do I know?  They tell me.

I plant seeds.  I do not know how.  I just do.  I do not try.  Trying would probably not work.

Or maybe It would.

You see?  Though I just said I inspire people, I think there is more to the gift.  I just don’t know what it is…

Some of you reading this have gifts.  Some of you are good at building businesses, or making clothes, or writing cool stories, or singing, dancing, entrepreneurial (thank God for spell check) or whatever.  You have a gift.  You know what that gift is and you use it.

Some of you don’t know what your gift is and are sitting there giftless.  But you are not giftless at all.  You just haven’t found your gift.  Perhaps circumstances, bullshit pressures, stress and distraction has made you put your gift away somewhere.  But I bet if you listen…

I bet if you watch…

I bet if you pay attention…

Life is trying to give you the gift.

I think I need to go on a quest to find my gift.  I need to figure out what it is, how it works and make use of it.  This whole Age of Aquarius or 2012 thing could be bullshit, or it could be real, but no matter what – the world is changing FASTER than ever before.

So let’s go back to the story of my Ex above. Maybe the whole purpose behind me and her was so that I could teach her to be beautiful.  To know that she is a wonderful creature.  To give her the gift of confidence and help her grow in some way she could not without my intervention.  I don’t know.

But maybe there is more to all of this.  Perhaps…  I want to find out.  If I am a Shaman, I want to be able to make full use of it.  I want to be useful, not just do it for me, but to be some sort of positive force in the universe.

By the way, writing all this makes me want to read The Teachings of Don Juan again.  Great book if any of my blah blah in this post interests you.

So now what?

Ah shit.  Looks like I ran out of my writing steam. I guess my message is done. For now.

So I guess I will go and search for myself.  I am getting back to writing.  I may even Yelp again sometime soon, but there are some things I need for sure.  Another Camera, some sort of income, and I really think I need to be able to travel.

If any of you know anything about Travel Jobs or any good blogs or sources about how these cats go off and travel all over the world and write about it in their blogs – hook me up.

PS – I like Ratings!  If you have been reading my stuff this will be my only plug for the time being.  Rate, Comment, tell me I’m a nutjob or you love reading my stuff.  Link up your stuff to my posts.  I don’t care…

I like action, and I can see my hits are growing so…  Let’s make this interactive!

Make no mistake my friend your pointless life will end so sing it now; all the things you love, all the things you loathe…  Sing your life!