Solving the “I am Unworthy of an Attractive Woman” Issue (Part II)

Part two continued from I am Unworthy part one (see Related Articles below)… ~RL

Themesong of the Day:

Connecting taking risks with rejection

If in the past you took risks with women and you were rejected, chances are you started connecting taking risks, following your instinct with rejection feelings. That’s why it is uncomfortable to walk up to a beautiful girl. it feels like touching a hot object, you can’t but feel doom will befall.

This feeling of “doom” ties up with our feelings of being “unworthy” of a beautiful girl and affects our sense of “entitlement”, deserving or entitled to good things in life. Without a good sense of entitlement we find ourselves increasingly isolated and caught in a self fulfilling prophecy. When we don’t fee attractive or “worthy” others can conclude that something is wrong with us, therefore they will reject us. Even if we start out an interaction well with a woman it may self-destruct because of our own “doom” expectations of it. This how we learn to distrust ourselves because we feel that “we have seen it all before”, and it is proven too often to end badly for us. As a result, we shy away from social contact, further dooming ourselves into a lonely, sexless existence.

Vicious cycle of self-image/poor body image/low energy

People who don’t feel very good about themselves don’t feel like putting much energy into taking care of their problems. Because it means taking care of themselves. It is a side effect of feeling unworthy of good things like a beautiful girl. They also don’t take much pride in how they look or appear. Letting go of your body image is a symptom of not feeling worthy and expecting rejection from others all the time.

However, if you take matters in your own hands, you will have the energy to take better care of yourself. No wonder guys, after taking a live in field program, and feeling better about themselves, they enroll in the gym, take on a diet, join a yoga class, travel the world, get a better job, move out of their parent’s house and so on. It is all a by product of feeling “worthy” again. They have more energy now so they take on bigger and more challenging tasks.

“Nothing good will come out of this”

As I sent a live program student into a difficult drill which involved approaching women in an unlikely situation, and I inquire what his mind is telling him, he says “nothing good will come out of this”. this is the typical reaction when somebody has learned that taking risks in social situations leads to being rejected. He has not developed the risk vs. reward mentality. he has yet to resolved the equation that says the more the risks, the more rewards. He hasn’t seen the payoffs yet of taking risks. Once he does, he will automatically become a risk taker. His will be opened. He needs to learn this for himself. That’s why I sent him into unlikely successful scenarios. He will find out that he can succeed even when his mind is telling him “No, don’t do it”.

Walking into scary situations

In my live in field program, I stand in the middle of a jam packed dance floor and scout for the worst looking case scenario. For example, last weekend I stood in the dance floor and noticed a couple kissing and rolling on the floor of the dance floor (yeah, that happens) and I immediately sent my student to talk to them. His goal was to hold that interaction for as long as possible. It was an unlikely successful scenario, he needed to learn to take huge risks. So after my student walked around them for a while undecided, he mustered the courage to walk in and talk to them. The interaction went well.

He needed to learn he must take huge risks to succeed in the dating game. I sent him into the most fear-of-rejection-inducing situation I could find.

The end of the rainbow

After the storm, the rainbow comes on. You stop seeing things in black and white colours. You start to see the entire pallet of social interactions. They stop being threatening and you start seeing them for what they are –neutral at best. There is no danger involved. You can stroll into them reassured that nothing bad will happen.

“I feel connected. I feel egoless”

Some students report a feeling of general calmness and inner relaxation by the third day of a live in field program. They have been through every tough scenario and survived. They can’t help but feel good. But not a feeling of over excitement, just a feeling of being ok with the world. They don’t threaten others but others don’t threaten them either. They make peace with the world and as a result the world stops scaring them. They feel empowered to walk into any social situation without feeling “unworthy” or “less-than”. Once the fear is gone, risk taking becomes the norm. Rewards too.

Dating Advice For Men: Solving the “I am Unworthy of an Attractive Woman” Issue (Part II).

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Texting a No Into a Yes – The Rockabilly Girl

Tsod:

Doin my little online dating thing.  It’s cold in Chicago, going out to meet people and freezing my ass off is not as enjoyable as I would like.  So we, of course, turn to the online dating thing.  This is a girl I met recently and took it from online to text.

Last night we had been texting back and forth a little.  I will spare you the details of that, unless you wanna ask me of course and I will be happy to elaborate, but in this case I just wanted to sort of go through the concept of what most people might view as a rejection, where in my case I look at is as an opportunity to practice reframing.  http://changingminds.org/techniques/general/reframing.htm  I DO so love reframing when I can pull it off.   But this, like anything else, has to be used sparingly.  One time I was with a particularly wine emboldened date with a chick who got more and more sassy and mean the more we drank and so I was reframing a lot of the shit she was throwing my way, finally she got even more mad and said, “Alright!  You have mind fucked me in and out and sideways by now.  I bet the ladies just throw their panties at you.”  Alas, it was her way of saying, “not mine”.

But in this case below, you can see how it works.  I do so love me the art of the reframe.

Me (from last night):  Truthfully, my new bartending gig doesn’t even start till the 9th and I’m kind of a broke joke till then.  Sooo goin out to far away lands kinda has to way.  But we could always do something next week more low pro.  But no worries.  I know the perfect adventure spot

(today I woke up to find in my text box) Rockabilly: I’m sure you’re a great guy but I don’t date bartenders, it always goes fantastically wrong for one reason or another

Me:  Good. 🙂 So now we can just chill and be 2 normal people without all the pressure of dating and all that blah blah. . .

Rockabilly: Maybe

Me:  Dating is an ugly word.  It puts two people in these super defined roles and presupposes  how they’re supposed to act around and towards each other.  I don’t know about you but I like to think of myself as a dynamic individual who can really chill and live life in the moment, even with someone else and take advantage of each moment as life presents it to me.  And I don’t feel putting labels and limits on the moments I share with others is really appreciating those moments.

Me:  I’ll send you a text example of how the label “dating” can really fuck with someone who otherwise might really enjoy themself without it:  FWD:  Im sure you’re a great guy but I dont date bartenders, it always goes fantastically wrong for one reason or another

Rockabilly: Haha you are so funny.  And bartender isnt a label it’s a factual  assessment of your current employment situation.  See also “broke joke”

Me:  Haha.  I don’t work at shitty places.  I can’t really make a ton of scratch if the place I work at isn’t doing their grandopening for 2 more weeks, now can I? 😉  And ya.  You are using bartender as a label. 🙂  You’re looking at me through the label  of experiences and people that are NOT me, without fairly affording me he courtesy of being a Real Live Person, an Individual.

Rockabilly: I’m not concerned with the places you work at, that’s your affair.  I have a special affinity for dive bars and “shitty” places

Me:  Ya me too.  I have a special affinity for the divey places with kick ass selections on the juke box.  But places that hire me always end up being pretty schmancy.  It’s kinda weird.  I’ll explain in person but too much to text.

Rockabilly:  So prove me wrong since you’re such an enlightened individual

Me:  Proving you wrong may not be in the cards.  Only you can make that decision despite my best efforts to prove anything to do.  But I will be Happy to meet with you and hash this out toe to toe over some drinks at the local dive.  Familiar with the LL bar? 🙂

Rockabilly:  I have not heard of it

Me: By the way.  If you want to label me s something, you could always label me as a writer, which I am.  That is my other passion

Rockabilly:  Bully for you

Me:  So the question remains.  When is my little Rockabilly, rollerDerby girl free to come meet up?  Starting next week I train every day until like 9 or 10. .

Rockabilly:  I have a little free time next monday and tuesday nite but not enough time to get all the way to belmont

Me:  I could always come pick you up and we could drive around and drink in my car.  Like highschool ! 😉

Rockabilly:  Haha you had a vastly different highschool career than I, also my momma taught me not to take rides from strangers

Me:  I’m HARDLY a stranger.  We met online.  Totally safe 🙂

Me:  I’ll make sure to bring a bag of candy

Rockabilly:  Ohgreat could you also ask me to help you find your lost dog?

Rockabilly:  Its not a dive bar but its right off the blue line, the kinderhook tap, they have a great selection of craft beers

Me:  Done deal.  When . . Next wk?

Rockabilly:  Yep. im free tuesday night or friday next week

There was a bit more logistical texting about specifics but there you have it.  That’s how I do.  This is actually pretty tame.  Given time I have been known to take rejections all the way to her showing up at my apartment with the major likelyhood of having sex, and then having it of course.  See “Fourty,Fit, and Phenomenally Sexy” below (related articles) for a link up.

Thoughts, questions, comments and reviews are totally encouraged as usual.  I’m starting to send out checks to the top commenters on my blog.  They should be in the mail this Friday.  I gotta go say hit to this sexy retro chick so I can’t post anymore… Until Next Time.

Sidecar:

Don’t be a shitty bartender! 

I just posted this yelp review a few days ago and I figure I’d link it up to here.  What’s the difference between two bars with an equally kick ass beer selection?

Service.

http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-map-room-chicago#hrid:BdhQOuM7DNXfATtiZdckwg

Enjoi