Emdashwood, Sexuality, and the Difference Between Potential Relationship Guy and Fun in the Sack Guy

If I make a reply this long…  It needs to really be a whole new post..  So here we go, emdashwood.

If you are not emdashwood, but want to know what the hell all this is about, this discussion started back in my post, My Humiliating Dream, in the comments section.  Here is the last thing emdashwood wrote (followed by my reply, of course).

  • They definitely don’t have to be related. I do think, however, if they’re someone you’re interested in as relationship material, then the sexual attraction is there. Really that’s the first step… If that buzzer doesn’t go off, then you never even make it out of the friend zone or into a flirtation stage. Women can be hesitant to be too aggressive or animalistic (as you put it) right off the bat, though… we’ve been trained over the years that *good* men might judge us poorly if we’re too overt. So, if you’re still in the “potential relationship material” category, you may not see that “animalistic” side for a while. On the other hand, if you’re in the “definitely not relationship material” category, then you move directly into the “would we have fun in the sack” category, at which point all bets are off and our inner porn star comes alive ;-)

    Also, I know it’s a concern for me personally, that by opening up that more overtly sexual side of myself, I’m possibly stunting the development of an emotional connection… For example, a guy I’ve been seeing recently… We crossed that line fairly early… oral on a first date, the whole shabang on the second date. We’re soooo compatible in this area that neither one of us wants to spend much time outside the bedroom… We see each other roughly once a week (his availability is limited as he has kids) and 90% of our time together is spent between the sheets. I mean… after a week’s worth of anticipation, there’s really no holding back when we see each other. But I actually like this guy as relationship material, and I worry sometimes that because I gave into those desires so quickly, other areas of our relationship have suffered due to lack of attention!

    As for the housewives… I would say it could be either case… Personally, I spent 8 years in a marriage where I was very overt (it’s in my DNA, I can’t help myself!)… but my ex was disinterested, at best, and certainly didn’t give me the pleasure I was desperately in need of. I never ventured outside the marriage, though… just became very adept at pleasing myself. On the other hand, I know there are women who never break through that fear of “*good* men might judge us poorly” and as a result probably have desires that are never expressed and end up going unfulfilled with their partner.

(To which I reply…)

I totally see that, too. I want both, though. I don’t think, just because we wanna date someone we should limit ourselves sexually with that person. I honestly feel we should express that side of ourselves more.

It’s unfortunate that society has somehow convinced us that there should be a separation between your sexual side and that emotional connection side of things.

The thing about the dream, I can tap into that sexual side in women very quickly. That’s probably what pissed me off about the dream, is that there was the implication that I wasn’t and couldn’t do it and these average guys could. But not in a envy or jealously sense, it just made me evaluate my OWN skills a little.

But back to what you were saying, I kinda feel it’s really unfortunate that people seem to make that separation between sexuality and connection. To me, sexuality IS connection and just because a girl likes me, does not mean she should automatically disconnect herself from wanting to get sexual with me quickly.

My last real girlfriend was a Doctor of Veterinary medicine. She was a intelligent, well spoken, super attractive, clean language, down to earth woman and that’s what I liked about her. She was reading a book when I met her. I believe it was angels and demons.

But we went out on our first date and we got fucking hot and steamy and made out right out in the open, pda style and went back to my house all hot and fucking horny and the ONLY reason we didn’t go all the way from point A to point F the first date was because she was in the Red Zone.

That being said, we didn’t separate that part of ourselves from the first moment and that allowed things to bloom nicely and I don’t think that embracing that sexual side got in the way at all of us still having that cool relationship.

And then there’s the last girl I went on a couple dates with, who couldn’t combine the two. She liked me, I was sure of that, but was trying to cut me off from expressing myself sexually. She had some idea in her mind that because she genuinely liked me that it was time to put things on the slow track and be strange. She was sexually attracted to me, for sure. We had 2 good dates, but if I invited her in for a drink or whatever on those dates, she balked. But she was cool with making out in the driveway right outside my door.

But then after the second date I invited her out to come meet me and a friend. She came out of her way, across town, to come see me. I was excited to see her and naturally, when she got there decided to show my natural affection to her and I tried to kiss her. That was me being me, not contrived, not trying to get something from her. I figured we had already been there, we had already made out a few times, and so I figured a quick kiss was in order. Not like a full on make out session in the middle of the bar or anything (not that I’m against that), but I definitely wanted to reward her for coming out to see me, and to me, a kiss was the way to do that.

But she gave me the fucking cheek turn. I was like, “What was that?” I didn’t make a big deal out of it, but it kind of killed the vibe immediately. Her concern was something about what if she saw people she knew or something.

We ended up getting in a big discussion about it later walking her to her car and it ended up killing my attraction to her. I couldn’t tell if it was her not liking me; her not desiring me sexually but liking me; or her being afraid to embrace that sexual side of herself because she liked me too much as a person. Honestly, after 2 dates, that was just too much in the wrong direction and so I ended up texting her later something like, “I’m an amazing guy, a catch, and if you can’t see that after 2 dates I don’t know that I want to try and convince you. But I do have a crush on you…”

She didn’t text me back and I never tried calling or texting her again. But here’s the funny thing. 2 weeks later she did text me back, being flirty and fun and provocative in her texts to me. We had a big conversation and she hinted that she wanted to see me again..

But then check this out, when I bit the hint and made the offer she rejected it. At first I thought she was just playing around. Why on earth would a chick reach out to me, be flirty and fun and bait me into asking her out just to reject me? Who does that?

Maybe a low self esteem woman who needed to end the interaction on HER terms where she felt like she was the one doing the final rejection since, my text about “convincing” from earlier was a form of me rejecting her if she was gonna continue to be a stick in the mud.

Or my other theory was that she was still attracted to me but at the same time that part of her that was afraid of getting sexual with me was holding her back.

Either way, the text conversation ended up going south when I kept being playful, tried asking her out again a second time (just because I had a hard time believing she was actually serious about the first rejection) and she again said no.

I ended up, pretty much calling her on it telling her pretty much the same thing I just said above. She was either a girl VERY MUCH into games, or there was a part of her that liked me, made her reach out since I was not giving her attention, but yet, was too afraid to embrace that sexual side with me for whatever reason.

Basically, the point is, my BEST relationships got sexual very quckly.  But there is a drawback to that, and that is, some women will get sexual with me very quickly and then that is that.  We end up having sex and then I may never see them again, even if I want to.  (Yes there are the women I have sex with quickly and then get bored with them or whatever but that’s not what this thread is about).  But I can’t be someone I am not.  I cannot change my nature for a woman, just to be in a relationship with her, and if I did I don’t think it would be a very satisfying relationship on either side if I did.

So to me, the perfect mix of sex and seduction and connection and fun are the recipe to the perfect relationship.  If one of those parts are missing, then the rest, in my opinion, falls apart.   It’s just too bad, like I said before, that society or whatever has screwed people up into thinking that a woman should withhold expressing her sexuality to someone she likes, because that person might not take her seriously.  And that doesn’t mean that she needs to just throw her sexuality around carelessly with whoever, I mean, unless she wants to, but at the same time to withhold that spiritual essence that sexuality really is, in my opinion from someone you really, genuinely like is unfortunate in and of itself.  There needs to be a balance…

Evolve your Sexuality – 5 Fundamentals of The Sexual Life

tsod:

Check it check it out…  It’s time for another Re-Blog by yours truely, Ronnie Libra.  Again, I didn’t write this article.  Before you get into it, I will warn you, it’s long.  BUT Its totally worth every man and woman with an interest in being in touch with their sexuality, and even making better connections with those you’re crushing on…  Now a little glossary of terms…  The “Seduction Community” is kind of this group of marketers and guys who get together to try and “Sell” seduction.  They try and give guys an idea that there is supposed to be some fast track to seducing the women, that mostly relies on memorized lines, gambits, tactis, and this whole “fake yourself” mentality.

YUCK!  But there are a very select few guys out there who are on the level, stand up guys, and Steve Mayeda just so happens to be one of them…  You may have read about him in my post “Sometimes I Just Want to Play Video Games”.  I’m a super dick when it comes to guys trying to teach this stuff.  I can be very critical of them, because I really feel a lot of guys teaching the concept of picking up or seducing women are full of shit.   So I have a feeling that if you read this article you will find it pretty enlightening, the real deal.  You dig?  So sit back, grab a glass of your favorite swag and enjoy this read.  I think you’ll find it’s worth the time…  Anyway, enough of my yammering – Enjoi – Oh and feedback is welcome, definitely share your thoughts.  ~Ronnie L (only a slight beer buzz right now)

Sex – Life – Confusion 

We live life but we are afraid

We fear experience we want to control our outcomes

We search for meaning and definition, and forget purpose

 

We fear sex but we want sex

We obsessed over sex but it has become more fantasy than reality

We are ashamed of sex and we are consumed by it.

 

We wonder why we are so confused. 

What is your sexuality? 

What is your life?

 

 

Sex is one of the most natural human acts and it has become distorted.   Something that is normal, natural and one of the highest forms of communication has become a point of confusion and frustration.

 

To get back to that natural state of sexuality and living a fulfilling life we need to cultivate and maintain a good mindset.

We need to realize how important and vital sex is to our lives.

 

With working these 5 fundamentals your Sexual Life will be more about an expression and exchange of you and another person rather than trying to make you be something you’re not.

 

The Sexual Life’s goal is to end the desperate search trying to fulfill a lost identity.

 

The fundamentals of the Sexual Life are –

* Identity

* Connection

* Self-Acceptance

* Sex is a part of Life

* Everyone is Sexual


First we need to understand what I mean by the Sexual Life –

 

To be Sexual there is –

 

Sex – The Act

Seduction – The Process

Sexuality – The Result of Sex and Seduction

 

 

To live Life there is –

 

Identity – Who you are really are, rather than a façade

Experience – Your experiences not just your actions

Purpose – What fuels you rather than simply your results

 

 

 

The 5 key fundamentals will be the path to your Sexual Evolution

—–

 

1 – Identity –

Live your life, not your lie 

 

At the core of all personal change YOU need to be in it.  At the core of your sexuality YOU need to be in it.

You need to be you.  Not a façade, not a fake identity, not an act.  Yes you might borrow some things from people you might ‘fake it till you make it’, but you need to come back to you.

I have seen this lack of authenticity fuck more people up than anything else in the Seduction, Self-help and the Recovery/Addiction industries.

 

It is as if WE are afraid to be in the equation to OUR path of change.  It is as if we are afraid to have sex without an image guiding us.

 

In my 5 years of teaching the most angry, pissed off, dysfunctional and frustrated clients all have one thing in common – They bought into an idea, that told them –

they could have what they wanted by not being themselves.

There are nothing wrong with methods, systems and actions that teach you a new way to live; however how these things are sold is that they work independent of that person’s life.   A system can only accent who you already are.

 

Why anyone would want a life outside of themselves is something to question, if this is what you’re looking for a ‘quick fix’ product isn’t going to help you.  It will most likely fuck you up more.  Every move you make in your life should not be detached from who you are.

 

To experience means you are affected, you might feel joy and you might feel pain.  The key is to not live reactions of those things.

You need to be proud of yourself.  You need to be you.  If you throw your life to the side to be something you’re not that act alone takes away your pride, and puts you on a path of self-hate.

 

As a culture we are afraid of sex and afraid of being ourselves.   We would rather be in love with a fantasy than to feel the rich intimacy, vulnerability and love that sex can offer.   Sex has become an exaggeration of porn and on the other end shame.  This is all because we are unwilling to be ourselves with someone else.

 

 

2 – Connection – 

There are few things more beautiful than connecting with another human being.  Connection is the exchange of intimacy, passion, chaos and humanity. 

 

We forget this.

We forget that sex is simply an act of connection, we forget that our happiness is dependent upon how we connect with the world around us.

 

Biological beings cannot live without some connection within their species.   It is built into us.

Yet we look at sex as a society as something we can get, take, dominate or have.   Sex is the ultimate act of sharing.   If you meet get married it is an exchange…

If you meet a woman and have a single night rendezvous it is an exchange.  If you hire a prostitute it is an exchange.

 

We are afraid to share.  We are afraid to exchange.

Why is this?

There are 2 reasons that come to mind

1 – We are afraid to show ourselves

2 – We are afraid to be affected by others

 

You see in the ‘quick fix’ nature of self-help and seduction industries the general theme is that you can simply reap the benefits they offer without having to really be you.  You won’t get hurt, you won’t get affected in any ways that bring you pain.  Their method will stop the pain of loneliness and depression and you’ll be great all without having to face yourself.

 

We have more faith in Prozac than working through our problems.  Don’t get me wrong, if you’re seriously depressed seek help, there is nothing wrong with taking prescribed drugs if you need them.  However, many people get prescriptions that don’t need them.

What the problem is with many of these drugs that numb your depression, anxiety and so on, is they numb everything else.

Our lives are built on being numb.   Human connection is at the heart of experience.

Happiness is meaningless if we can’t experience it with anybody.

 

The delusion is that we believe more in getting what we want than connecting with people.   We think that achieving our goals, having ambition without respecting the simple human act of relating, accepting and having compassion will make us happy.   These things will not alone make us happy, we need to have the element of human connection interlacing it all together.

 

I love sex, and so does the rest of the world.

For me personally, I have had all different types of sexual interactions.   In the past I would hear about something new and I want to try it.

However more than sex, I love connection (I had to learn the hard way) .   You can have calm and mellow missionary sex all the way to orgies, gangbangs and whatever else you can imagine, but without connection being the motivation and inspiration behind those acts they will simply be acts, and they will turn into confusion and chaos.

 

Sex is one of the highest forms of communication and it should be respected in this way.

 

That connection of sex is so powerful that culture after culture tries to put rules on it.

 

Connection is something that is bigger than anything man can make, simply because it is at the heart of anything man makes…connection will always be the catalyst to what surpasses itself.

 

 

 

3 – Self-Acceptance –

If we know who we are (Identity) we need to accept who we are (Self-Acceptance)

 

A life without self-acceptance is a life hiding behind guilt and shame.

 

We look at what we can get not at why we want what we want

We blindly try and explore ourselves without truly exploring ourselves.

 

We can’t fix who we are if we can’t accept who we are.

 

Too many people are unwilling to look at themselves.

Too many people think their flaws are meant to be hidden, covered or even unattractive.

I want to be a human being not some robot or mask.

Here is the reality, no matter how perfect you think you are, you’re not.  You never will be.

However you can absolutely evolve, everyone has the capacity for massive personal change.

No matter how much you think your life is set in stone, let alone your sexuality, it is not.   The initial steps towards that transformation have to do with self-acceptance.

 

My friend Dave told me once,

“You’re going to have to come to terms with who you are and practice some self-acceptance.   If you’re the guy that goes around and fucks chicks and does whatever crazy shit you’re into, there is nothing wrong with that, if you’re honest with yourself about it.  But the confusion comes into play when you try and not be that guy and you’re living as 2 different people at the same time.”

 

People want something to cover up with rather than be themselves or express themselves.

You see this in the seduction industry over and over again.

What the industry in general says,

‘To be an alpha male you have to do what you want and figure out ways to avoid responsibility’.

How can I have sex and trick these chicks into being ok with it???

 

Here’s the answer,

You can have whatever sexual life you want.  You can have as many women in your life that you want, but in reality it is more of a question of what you can handle…

Can you handle a sex life with many partners; can you handle having multiple relationships with women?

If you’re planning to lie about it, there is nothing ‘alpha’ about that.

 

What Dave was telling me was simply that I had to accept myself first.  If I was hiding from my actions, or my actions from other people then I was manifesting shame.   It doesn’t matter how good I get at communication, it doesn’t matter how much I can control a situation if I have guilt, shame or self-hate then I am always going to move backwards.

 

I need to accept myself, the good and the bad.  If I have a speech impediment, handicap, emotional issues, a disease or deformity , anger towards women I need to first learn to look at that and accept it, then I can determine if I am going to express it to the world around me.

Anger is a lack of acceptance.  Depression (or anger turned inwards) is a lack of self-acceptance.

 

 

Life, Sex, Humanity is not a template, it is not a system, it is not a routine.  You need to accept your life and find that true freedom is in that.

 

4 – Sex is a part of life – 

Sex is one of the greatest forces known to man. 

We forget that.

Life (literally) begins with sex.

However so much is communicated, defined and cultivated through sex.  Sex is its own form of communication.  We forget how powerful it is, we forget how much respect it demands.

I know men and women that think sex will make them happy.

The sad thing is that is can make them happy, but it doesn’t.  The reason why is sex is not respected.  It is simply an act.  It might be an act of validation, or and act of a simple urge.

The problem is when sex is only an act your sexuality has no purpose.

 

If we sex as something that is at the root of all life, at the root of many of our emotions, and its own special language then our sex acts can be fulfilling.  Our sexuality makes us happy.

 

Instead our fears towards who we are (Identity) giving a part of ourselves (Connection) and loving accepting who we are and the acts we are doing (Self-Acceptance) keep sex as only a simple act.

 

We think it is bad, we think it is harmful, shaming, lewd and so on.  Sex is part of life!

Sex is also bigger than us, we will never master it, control it or be able to truly put a definition on it.

The same goes for life, at most we can simply live it.

 

When we stop being humble towards sex and sexuality we will be humiliated by it.

 

We need to recognize sex’s power and beauty and express that through ourselves, this is what we call our sexuality – our expression of that great force.

 

 

5 – Everyone is Sexual – 

We are already sexual – to have the best sexual experiences we need to take things away more than add them.

 

We forget this.

We forget that we are sexual, we forget the people we are attracted to are sexual.  The more we see people as not sexual beings the more we build walls around our relationships with people.

 

I hear women all the time say that they don’t want to be sex objects.  The problem is not the ‘sex’ part, it is the ‘object’ part.

The more we see people as some sort of check list or category the more we get away from the organic nature of a person’s sexuality.

Both women and men do this constantly.   They think attraction is something that can be listed off and categorized, while it might be true (people are more attracted to certain qualities and body types) we have to realize that our sexual side can over power our tastes.

This is where both women and men get it wrong.

Women will always say they are attracted to confidence, humor, height and so on.

Men will say they are attracted to her breast size, ass, weight, open-mindedness and so on.

 

This is all what we like, this is not our sexual side.  There is a difference.

Sex is a force within us.

We might give attention to specific features however our sexual urges always win once they are stimulated.

 

I know many men and women who can define what they are attracted to and what they want in a sex partner…they hardly ever get it.

Women and men who you would think can get anyone they want are never fulfilled.  This is because they are not realizing sex is more about connection than a checklist.  People who value and build their relationships on intimacy, connection, exchange are people that have relationships.  People that value relationships on what they are attracted or what they want don’t have relationships people, they have relationships with a fantasy they are trying to manage.

 

Where the Seduction industry gets it wrong is it is predominantly based on the idea that women are sexually attracted to social value.

I can guarantee you that most women’s pussies don’t get wet when they see a nice car or men with a lot of money, status or whatever.  And the women who’s ovaries do move when they see that are the rare ones that you should avoid.

In fact I would bet that a women seeing a man with a lot of status and attention would have considerably less physical arousal than a women watching a man with no money playing with his infant child.

This status simply gets women’s attention and allows you more opportunities to get sexual.   But then what are you having sex with.

The seduction industry is an industry full of technique on how to have sex that has nothing to do with sex.

 

If guys in the seduction industry simple got that seduction is in everyone and nearly independent of status they would gain a lot more ground at having IDEAL SEXUAL relationships with women.

 

If women who watched Lifetime movies and read Cosmo realized that their fantasy of some man recognizing them for their personality.  Sexuality, sex and relationships aren’t a list of qualities, femininity (as well as masculinity) isn’t a demand for something.  You have to be sexual, you have to experience to have your definition.  If you’re on the sidelines then you’re just taking notes.  Remember the beauties of sex are beyond any list you come up with.  Your lists and theories without experiences to shape them are only opinions.

 

The whole thing is that both sides have come up with these bizarre fucked up rules for each other so their in a constant state of confusion and frustration.

Women and men need to realize that they are meant to be sexual.

 

Every man and woman I know and talk to all want to be desired.  They all want people to be attracted to them.  Every woman I know wants to be hot, every woman I know wants the ability to arouse a man and every woman I know doesn’t want to be hit on poorly by a man.

 

She wants to her sexuality to be respected but what does she put out there to be respected.  A girl with no personality demanding her personality to be respected because her frustrated friends that get walked on by men said so.

 

The sad thing is neither women nor men do enough to be respected.

 

Rather than going out and experiencing life they would rather take the shortcut to manhood.   No man is secure with his presence as a man.  Rather than getting comfortable with himself and follow his natural urges to pursue a woman he’d read a book on how to be alpha so he could finally be perceived as a leader…after that he can fuck some bitches.

 

This is why you have 25 year old men pounding Viagra so they can ‘fuck like a porn star’ or think they need a bigger dick to be better in bed.

 

This is why women have more sex partners than ever before but have no concept of how to move their bodies and have an orgasm.

 

Nobody knows how to seduce or be intimate…

 

No man knows how make a woman feel like a woman, and no woman knows how to make a man feel like a man.

 

Sex has no boundaries and somehow ‘modern day humanity’ has taken the most human thing and suffocated it.

 

Men and women are too caught up being boys and girls.  Part of growing up is to be a sexual person.

Part of being a man is to show women they make you aroused, and part of being a woman is to show a man you’re aroused by him (a slut just fucks them).

 

The art in it all is experiencing sex but doing it in the right way.  That’s where the fear lies…we might have to take a step by ourselves, we might have to fail, we might have to get rejected, but only through this is the path to enlightenment.

 

WE ARE ALL SEXUAL BEINGS!

 

When we live by our fears our Identity becomes a façade

When we are living by a façade our sex can only be an action.

When our sex is only an action we become frustrated and want to control things.

When we value control over experience we search for definitions and fear our experiences.

When we live by definitions we put our faith in a series of action and we have no purpose.

When we have no purpose we only become the sum of our results.

Results without purpose is the worst mirror one can stand infront of

 

Our Sexuality is no longer an expression of who we are and what we are sharing with someone, our Sexuality and our Purpose is a checklist.  We have taken 2 things (Sex and Life) that need no help, you just have to do them, and tied them in knots.

 

Live well

and comments always welcome…

 

Steve

 

You can check out more of Steve Mayeda or comment directly on this article at http://www.theredmole.com/